Manny: And just like that, it disappears.
Luke: In his defense, the water's really cold.

Mitchell: Oh! You're still rehearsing.
Cameron: We sure are, and we found a more appropriate song for Lily's singing voice.
Mitchell: Really? Well, I'd love to hear it.
Cameron: Okay. [playing keyboard and singing] Everybody was kung fu fighting-
Lily: Hyah! Hyah!
Cameron: Those kicks were fast as lightning
Lily: Hyah! Hyah!
Cameron: In fact, it was a little bit frightening-
Mitchell: Okay, stop, stop, stop.

Haley: What is his deal?
Gloria: I took his pacifier hours ago, and he's still crying. He's being such a baby.
Haley: Maybe he's not ready to give them up.
Gloria: No, I promised my mother that he wouldn't use it anymore. Her uncle used it until he was four, and now he's in jail.
Haley: I feel like a lot of your family stories end that way. I'm gonna put on a bathing suit.

Luke: Dad, you might want to see this.
Phil: He put us on YouTube?
Luke: He called it "Drone One, Idiots Zero." It has 32,000 views.
Phil: We have to strike back. That drone just messed with the wrong idiot.

Jay: What do you mean, how I am? Is that what people think of me, that I'm some big grump?
Claire: Dad, that cannot be a big shock. The kids call you "Grumpa."
Jay: Since when?
Claire: Not to your face? Cowards.

Jay: Get the hell off the space above my lawn!

Cameron: [all singing] No, that's not even a note I feel like you're doing it on purpose.
Mitchell: That seems a little bit sharp.
Cameron: I'm never sharp I'm pitch-perfect.
Mitchell: I'm talking about your tone toward our daughter.
Lily: I can understand you even when you're singing.

Chase: Sorry. I had to check in at the job. Always something going down at the Hut.
Andy: You work at the Hut? I would guess pizza, but based on your ripply stomach I saw when you helped me get down off the gondola ride, I'm gonna guess Sunglass Hut.
Haley: Yep, Chase picked out these vintagey sunglasses that look like I could've been murdered at a cool house party in the '70s.

Manny: Mom, that perv is ogling you again.
Phil: No! I was reading my horoscope. "You will borrow a huge swimsuit today."

Cameron: Mitchell, I just don't want her to embarrass herself in front of her friends, not to mention the parents.
I can already hear Andrew's condescending "Hmm."
Mitchell: Oh, my gosh. You're still competing with Andrew.
Cameron: He staged a coup, Mitchell. He forced me out of the group I founded. I founded it. The Greensleevers were Southern California's premier holiday chorus and "just the nutmeg we want our Yuletide eggnog dusted with." LA Times, December 23-
Mitchell: I remember.
Cameron: 199-
Mitchell: Oh, I remember. I remember.