Gloria: Cam. Why are you calling Jay?
Cameron: Am I? I-I thought I was calling the gardener. I forgot to leave the gate open, so I should probably go let him in. It'd be cruel to make Caesar climb another big fence.

Cameron: Stay with us, Gus. Oh, my god. Those cheekbones. You look like J.F.K. Jr. He looks like J.F.K. Jr.!

Haley: Where the hell is Clutterworth?
Luke: On skid row giving our memories to hobos.
Haley: She threw out all my old Vogues. If I don't know the past, I'm doomed to re-wear it.

Claire: Have you gotten rid of anything today?
Phil: Yeah, all that.
Claire: That's one sock.
Phil: Oh, my goodness. What in the world were we thinking? [with sock puppet] Hey, gorgeous! Gimme a kiss!
Claire: I do not want Luke's dirty sock anywhere near my mouth.
Luke: It's seen worse.
Phil: No. Oh, no.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Look, everybody learns in different ways. My intellectual approach just wasn't right for Gloria, and it probably wasn't right for Lily. It- It's humbling to admit, but I'm just too smart to teach.

Haley: Why do I still have to come to these family meetings? I'm an adult.
Alex: She said, emerging from the basement in her pajamas at noon.
Haley: Get off my back. It's Saturday. Right?
Phil: Yeah.

Claire: [aside to camera] I created Mrs. Clutterworth when the kids were little as a way to make home organizing fun.
Phil: So fun. Super fun. Maybe a little confusing.
Claire: Why?
Phil: Well, the name is clearly inspired by Mrs. Butterworth, right?
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Phil: Yeah. But somehow she has a British accent.
Claire: Yeah, well, the kids were super into Mary Poppins back then.
Phil: Still missing a step.

Claire: We're doing this. [singing in a British accent] Or, more to the point, if there's something that you have and you never, ever use it put it in the bin lose it, lose it, lose it
Haley: Oh, I think you've lost it, lost it, lost it.

Jay: I'm not going golfing. I'm taking my first flying lessons today. I always dreamed of being a pilot.
Cameron: Oh, Jay, that's fantastic, and I- I totally get it. I had a crush on the pilot who flew the crop duster back home. He had big, broad shoulders and a deep, husky voice that, in retrospect, could have been pesticide-related.

Cameron: [aside to camera] I don't know if Gloria's dreams can predict the future like mine can, but I do know that if something happened to Jay I couldn't live with myself. Of course, I wouldn't have to, because Gloria would kill me.