Lily: I'm gonna put this in my clutch. I can't wait to tell everyone at school! [exits]
Cameron: Okay, we cannot be the parents of a 6-year-old who gets $100 from the tooth fairy.
Mitchell: It's bad enough we're the parents of a 6-year-old with a clutch.
Cameron: You know, that bag transitions from day to night seamlessly, and I no longer have to carry crayons in my front pocket.
Mitchell: Can't have this argument again!

Phil: [aside to camera] Gil pickles. Genius. So much better than my Phil-low cases. Claire wasn't a fan.
Claire: One of him in bed is more than enough.
Phil: Do you hear that, ladies?

Phil: I'm sorry, Claire. I-I hate to do this, but I have to use my veto.
Claire: Veto? Oh, you don't get any vetoes.
Phil: You veto me all the time.
Claire: 'Cause you have dumb ideas.
Phil: Name one.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: That went on for a while.
[back:]
Claire: And let's not forget shower snacks.
Phil: I can't be the only one who gets hungry in there!

Cameron: Lily, look who came to say hi!
Haley: It's me, the Tooth Fairy. And I've come to ask you for a favor!
Lily: Are you really the tooth fairy?
Haley: Oh, yes, I am. Look at my wings!
Lily: Can you fly? I wanna see you fly.
Haley: Well, I can't right now because... Um...
Cameron: Well, because- Because the tooth fairy's too sad to fly because she made a mistake that only you can make better.
Lily: Is this about the money again?
Haley: Well, yes, it is. I need enough for all the other children's tooths. Teeth.

Lily: Wait a minute. You're not the tooth fairy. You're Haley.
Haley: No! I am the tooth fairy! Look! Fairy dust!
Mitchell: And there's that glitter.
Lily: Why did you lie? You said lying was wrong.
Mitchell: We also said that when someone is in trouble, you help them.
Lily: How do I know you weren't lying?
Haley: She is good.

Mitchell: All right, Lily, this is ridiculous. All right, the Tooth Fairy has made a mistake. You need to put the $100 under the pillow, and that is the end of the story.
Cameron: Because you believe it's the right thing to do. Don't you?
Lily: But I wanna buy a scooter.
Haley: Oh. That's what I'd do. I mean who cares what Santa thinks, right?
Lily: Santa?
Haley: Well, he sees everything, and this'll probably put you on the "Naughty" list. But who needs presents every year? You've got a hundred dollars. You can ride around that empty Christmas tree until you're an old lady.
Lily: Can I have some time to think about it?

Manny: What now?
Gloria: Just there were no cell phones in 1965.
Jay: That's a mistake. I'm changing that.
Manny: You can't change that. It comes back in the end I-I presume.
Jay: The point is, I can write. I probably won't pursue it, but it's a viable career option.
Manny: The CIA had all sorts of top-secret technology. Who's to say they didn't have cell phones?
Jay: Manny, let it go.

Phil: I retract my veto.
Claire: You never had a veto.
Phil: Yes, I did.
Claire: No, you didn't, and I'll tell you why.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: And that went on for a while.
[back:]
Claire: And lastly, this whole conversation would be happening in a yurt.
Phil: It's the perfect structure.

Manny: "We all weave a web of lies." "Some we tell to try to help the ones we love." "Some we tell to try to fool ourselves." "And some we tell because, when you're out of bullets and staring down the barrel of a kalashnikov, the only weapon you've got left is guile."
Jay: She's nuts. That's fantastic.

Phil: [answering phone] Yell-o?
Gil Thorpe: Quick question. Am I talking to live Phil or video Phil?
Phil: What do you want, Gil?
Gil Thorpe: I just wanna make it's okay that your wife calls me "boss."
Phil: Good-bye.
Gil Thorpe: Oh, hold on! Hold on! I'm just messing with ya. Although I do think your wife's gonna enjoy being under me.
Phil: My son is in the car.
Gil Thorpe: Hey, superstar! What's up? Listen, any time you wanna swing by the beach house, I'll be glad to show you how to throw a tight spiral like I did at Texas Tech. Booyah!
Phil: He already knows how to throw.
Luke: Yeah, my gay Uncle Cam taught me.