Lawyer: Juror 11, is this man bothering you?
Terry Bradshaw: You talking about the movie critic right here? Absolutely, he's bothering me!
Jay: Objection! I request permission to approach Mr.Bradshaw.
Judge: No! I mean, denied! Look, that's not a thing you can ask.

Chris Martin: We're gonna get through this together, Phillip.
Phil: I guess I just don't understand why you're here.
Chris Martin: Well, because you really reached me back there, and I realized I got to be more of a regular guy.
Nurse: Mr. Dunphy, I have your... Chris Martin. Wow. I'm a huge fan. Can I get a picture with you?
Chris Martin: No. I want a picture with you.

Claire: Phil? Honey? I came just as soon as Chris called me. Hello.
Chris Martin: Claire, I've got to say, uh... You're even more beautiful than you are in Phil's photos.
Claire: Pbht! I like your music.

Phil: Claire, can I talk to you for one second.
Claire: Yes, of course, sweetie, yes.
Phil: Yeah.
Claire: Yeah.
Phil: [whispers] I want Chris Martin to leave.
Claire: Hm? What? Why?
Phil: It's weird that he's here when I'm like this, and he's attracting attention.

Chris Martin: And what are you beautiful, uh, scholars reading?
Angie: "The Unwitting Miss Castle."
Chris Martin: Mm. I love that book. Although I did find the fences metaphor a little mundane.
Angie: Oh, yes.
Marie: Pretentious.
Donna: Completely agree.
Claire: I said the exact same thing last week, and you guys just rolled your eyes at me.
Chris Martin: Claire, don't be such a Mrs. Devereaux. [all laugh]

Claire: Phil? Oh.
Chris Martin: Oh, it's probably all the meds. I'll handle this. I've been to Burning Man with Keith Richards.
Claire: No, no, no. I'll handle it. I've been on vacation with my mother.

Phil: I can't believe this happened. This was supposed to be such an amazing day.
Claire: I know. Is there anything I can do to make it better?
Phil: Yes. You can make Chris Martin go away, now.
Chris Martin: [groans] I'm so sorry, guys. Oh, I didn't mean to cause a-
Phil: Oh, no, no, no, no. It's- It's not you personally.
Chris Martin: No, no, no, it is me. I'm a distraction. Everyone wants to say "hi" or they want to take a picture or they want to sleep with me.
Marie: They sure do.
Claire: Shut'er down, Marie.

Chris Martin: [playing guitar and singing] You've been looking for your own special space Somewhere you can call your resting place You've been looking for your kids and your spouse It's time time to buy yourself a Dunphy house Oh, Dunphy, Dunphy, Dunphy They're affordable and comfy, comfy, comfy
Claire: I can't believe he's actually making it work.

Cameron: Why would he not pick us?
Mitchell: Yeah, we gave him everything he wants a fight, reconciliation
Cameron: Yeah. not to mention we're camera-ready.
Mitchell: It's everything TV wants to be. I mean, what does he want us to do, write the episode for him?
Cameron: Yeah, America deserves to see us get a free gazebo.
Mitchell: There he is. I have half a mind to go over there and confront him.
Cameron: Yeah, well, I have the other half.

Mitchell: Why aren't you picking us for your show?
Cameron: Yeah, what are we not sexy enough? Not young enough for your demo?
Mitchell: Wait, no, is it 'cause we're gay? You know, I've actually never seen a gay couple on your little program.
Cameron: Yeah, or a P.E. teacher/vice principal.
Mitchell: He's literally that.
Cameron: Just tell us why you're not picking us.
Scott Hunter: Guys, I don't have a show anymore.