Jay: What you need to start doing is a little more coaching and a little less yelling. 'Cause if I hear you call one of these kids stupid again, I swear to God, I'll throw a shoe at your head.

Phil: Jay, you know, I was handling it.
Jay: Yeah, I saw how you broke out Peaches and Herb.
Phil: It's the Captain and- [buzzer sounds]

Phil: Okay. So, your old coach had to leave for a little while.
Luke: Why? Is he sick?
Phil: Yes. He's very, very sick.
Boy: Is he going to die?
Phil: Everybody dies, boys. Let's focus on what's important.

Gloria: Mwah! I'm so proud of you.
Manny: We need to talk.
Gloria: Okay. What happened?
Manny: Mom, I love you, but your words of encouragement encourage the other kids to make fun of me.
Gloria: Ay. Okay. I won't say anything else on the next game. Promise.
Manny: We both know that your Latin blood makes that impossible. I think it would be better if you didn't come to the next game.
Gloria: [whimpers]

Mitchell: So, we just went ahead and parked on that round thingy in the driveway. Is that- That's fine, right?
Charlie: No problem. It's a turntable, so you don't have to back out.
Cameron: Oh. [chuckles] You have a car turntable and you're wearing rubber. You're like Batman.
Charlie: [laughs] I really am. Come on in.

Charlie: Pardon the get-up. Killer waves today. You guys surf?
Cameron: Um, only for bargains on the Web.

Claire: How long you been on the lam?
Alex: What?
Claire: Honey, you are looking around like the feds are after you.
Alex: No, I'm not. Let's just get this over with.

Claire: [aside to camera] And just like that- my baby girl became a teenager. [snaps fingers] She entered that dreaded phase where my very existence embarrasses her.
Phil: I-I think I can help. You're not your mom. [off Claire's look] Wow. That's your mom. Oh, I just got chills.

Charlie: You are a good lawyer.
Mitchell: I don't know.
Charlie: If you'd handled my divorce, this house would be twice as big.
Cameron: Oh, he's better than good. Try winning an argument with him. Last night I wanted to have Indian food-
Mitchell: And we're talking again.

Charlie: Top of your class at Cornell and Columbia Law. Had your pick ofjobs, but instead chose to work in environmental law- until last month.
Cameron: Well- And he used to be a really great figure skater.
Charlie: Why'd you quit?
Cameron: His sister lost interest, and then there was-
Mitchell: He means my job.
Charlie: Could tell me about figure skating too.
Mitchell: Um, well, it was- She did lose interest.
Charlie: That's enough.
Mitchell: Okay.