‘A Tale of Three Cities’
Season 8, Episode 1 - Aired September 21, 2016
After a week in New York City, Claire and Phil tell the kids they're leaving on a road trip for the Caroline Closet Caucus. The kids decide to stay in New York another night, unaware their parents are doing the exact same thing. Mitchell gives Cameron's family the impression he's insensitive as everyone gathers around Grams' deathbed in Missouri. Jay, Gloria, Manny and Joe's time in Juarez, Mexico comes to an end when Gloria's sister, Sonia, turns up. The families all head home to spend Father's Day at Jay's.
Quote from Sonia
Sonia: Hola, Jay.
Jay: Oh, hey Sonia.
Sonia: I see Gloria's avoiding me. She's still mad because I forwarded her that mass e-mail.
Jay: Could be that, or it could be the last time you saw her, you tried to steal me and kill her.
Quote from Sonia
Sonia: So, how is my sister?
Jay: Fantastic. Great. 'Course, with Joe and also her hot-sauce business, she got a lot on her plate. Hey, have you tried one of these Mexican cookies?
Sonia: They just call them cookies. I'll speak with Gloria later. [holding a gift-wrapped machete] I have to drop this at the gift table. [a man walks by with a machete] Great.
Quote from Phil
Claire: I'm gonna reverse what I said. Central Park dog rentals, million-dollar idea.
Phil: Yeah, and maybe it's just the high of being on vacation, but is there a bird more majestic than the American pigeon?
Quote from Phil
Phil: [on the phone] Hey, buddy, I should get going. There's a cop walking towards us. I guess it looks weird with us parked right here on the state border with me up here in Kentucky and your mom in the back seat over in West Virginia.
Luke: Got it. I should probably finish packing up the breakfast I'm bringing to the girls at the shopping mall where they're shopping.
Phil: Okay. See ya, pal.
Luke: See ya.
Phil: [to Claire] That's how you do that.
Luke: [to Haley and Alex] Done.
Quote from Mitchell
Mitchell: Hey, Grams. How's- How's the coma?
Grams: [groans]
Mitchell: Oh, my God. Oh, my God! A-Are you trying to say something? Aww. Ow. Ow! Grams. Ow, that hurts.
Let- Let go. Grams, l-let go. Let go, Grams. Let go, Grams!
Barb: What the hell are you telling her? [flatline sound, screams]
Pam: What happened?!
Barb: I just walked in, and Mitchell was telling her to let go, and she did! [sobbing]
Mitchell: Oh, let go. Let go of my hair.
Quote from Lily
Lily: Nice turnout.
Cameron: Sure is.
Lily: Grams would hate all these people on her property.
Cameron: She sure would.
Quote from Mitchell
Mitchell: Oh, my God. I can feel your family staring daggers at me. Can't believe they think I killed Grams. Like I'd really be telling her to let go of life.
Cameron: Well, you can see how they'd wonder after you put your suitcase in her room.
Mitchell: It sounds like you're taking their side.
Cameron: You can't blame them for questioning your story about a comatose arthritic woman pulling your hair.
Mitchell: Not a story. A thing that happened.
Cameron: Fine.
Mitchell: Fine.
Cameron: And you didn't help your case by accidentally erasing her "Matlocks."
Mitchell: Oh, my God! Just drop it! [Barb wails] No, not- No.
Quote from Phil
Phil: [on the phone] Well, why don't I stop talking about how good it is here and just bring you some? [chuckling] Okay. Bye-bye. [disconnects] We need to pick up a wheel of Arizona spicy sheep cheese.
Claire: Couldn't you just say goodbye?!
Quote from Phil
Claire: Oh! That's the kids pulling up right now. Just act normal.
Phil: I was born normal. Not really. They said I came out with bangs.
Quote from Phil
Phil: So, uh, good week?
Luke: Meh.
Phil: Same. Meh.
Luke: Meh.
Phil: Neh.
Luke: Pbht.
Phil: Buh.
Luke: Bleh.
Phil: Ehh.
Haley: Oh, my God. They're talking.
Alex: Are they?