Jay: Does anybody else find that [ping pong game] distracting?
Mia: Actually, it's great for left-brain stimulation.
Claire: I got winner!
Mia: We don't keep score.
Claire: No?
Man: [muffled] Watch out!
Jay: What the hell?!
Nick: You don't know about Zorbing? It promotes mind/body balance. It's kind of like the German version of Flerming.
Jay: Okay, that's it. Now, I'm about to introduce you squids to a little thing called back-breaking, soul-crushing hard work. How many heart attacks have you had here in the last five years? Zero? Where am I?! America loves closets, and I'm here to build them, damn it! And you get this [ping pong ball] back when I see people pull up in the morning crying in their cars.

Alex: Okay, I've been feeling some pressure about what to do after I graduate this year, and my parents are constantly asking me about it.
Gloria: I thought that you were going to work.
Alex: So did I, but lately, I've been questioning everything. I even thought about becoming a fellow.
Gloria: [gasps] Ay, Alex, that's a big change. But at least you get to keep the same name.
Alex: I'm not even sure it's what I really want.
Gloria: Okay, you have to be very sure, because I heard it's even harder to reverse it.

Claire: [aside to camera] Just as I feared, my dad had crushed the spirit of everyone in that office. I had to do something to prove we weren't some stuffy killjoys. It was time to bust out Party Claire. [chuckles] She'd retired after spring break '89. [sniffs] And again in '92.

Glen: Uh, modifications must be made to standard microeconomic procedures to apply supply and demand analysis.
Phil: Hmm.
Glen: First, we construct a utility function, where Y equals income and X equals the cost of services.
Phil: Well...
Glen: Uh, next, we vary either X...
Phil: Pffffbbbbb.
Glen: What-What's on your mind?
Phil: Well, um, with all due respect, uh, you have a roomful of aspiring Realtors here, and I worry that you might be turning them off with all those numbers and formulas. It's actually a very exciting business. It's about people and... and emotional connections and magnets with your face on them.

Glen: You think you can just walk in here and start teaching this class?
Phil: I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have...
Glen: No, I'm asking. Can you teach this class for me? If I leave now, I won't have to pay the all-day parking rate.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Ten minutes with the dean, who, it turns out, I'd sold a house to, and I was official. Imagine Phil Dunphy shaping minds in the hallowed halls of Sequoia Community College, established 2016.

Cameron: You know, it can't hurt to have some experienced eyes take a look at this police work. Sloppy. Sloppy, sloppy.
Mitchell: Okay, I know you fancy yourself some sort of detective.
Cameron: You know, I was quite the amateur sleuth as a boy, a real-life Encyclopedia Brown. They called me Thesaurus Jones.

[As Mitchell and Cameron see the courtroom artist's impression of him on the TV news]
Mitchell: Oh, my God.
Cameron: [sputters] Is that you?
Mitchell: I look like an elf that just walked into his own surprise party.
Cameron: No, it's like the time we tried to microwave a squash.
Mitchell: I- Okay, this is my first big trial, a-a chance to make a name for myself. All anyone's gonna be talking about is that awful picture! Okay, this is a disaster. Th- There's a place downtown where all the lawyers go to drink. It's called The Side Bar. They put courtroom sketches on the wall of everyone's first big trial.
Cameron: Maybe nobody saw it. [cellphone chimes] Don't assume the worst. It could just be an Amber Alert.

Luke: Elbow patches? Did you burn through another blazer at Benihana's?

Alex: Can we talk about anything else? Where's Joe?
Gloria: He started school today. He was so panicky when I dropped him off. I don't know why. It's just first grade.
Alex: Just first grade?! That's when the pressure starts!
Gloria: Ay! You're freaking me out!
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Alex is going to be a very nervous man.

[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Sketch boy was unusually well-groomed for somebody coming out of a government-subsidized gym. Something wasn't right. I was getting that old Thesaurus Jones tingle. I decided to do some sniffing around. Sketch guy's face had a kind of glow that can only be achieved with expensive creams and unguents, yet all I found were packets of cut-rate all-purpose lotions. According to my sources, the gym had an executive level that provides all manner of fancy spa products, but it's for judges and attorneys only. I created a diversion by convincing the security detail there was a towel emergency...
[flashback:]
Cameron: There's a towel emergency.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: ...and hacked into the gym's computer system. Turns out Jonah's been accessing the executive level by swiping the ID of one Victor Graham, a retired judge.