Malcolm: So, how's your school?
Jerome: Okay, I guess. They've got me in this accelerated program.
Malcolm: Me, too. It kind of sucks.
Jerome: Yeah. It's great being so popular, but every group of friends you're in expects you to go to all their parties, which is, like, physically impossible.
Malcolm: Yeah. Impossible.
Jerome: Not to mention juggling homework, hockey practice, being president of the student body, and still trying to find enough time for your girlfriend. Oh, I have to call her.
Malcolm: [to camera] I'm clinging to a slight hope that she's imaginary.
Jerome: [on phone] Hey, it's me. You did get the flowers. I'm glad you liked them.
Malcolm: [to camera] If we were born so much alike, why is he so much happier than me?
Roberta: Were you talking to that cute girlfriend of yours? Wait. You know what? That's none of my business.
Malcolm: Oh.

Lois: Sylvia, Roberta, your house is so lovely. It's just beautiful, and everything is so fancy.
Sylvia: Well, thank you. I can't take much credit for it, though. You know Victor. He loved to spoil us. Oh, look, the lake house. I think that's the summer we nursed a heron back to health.
Lois: Oh, it's beautiful. Here's one of the tool shed. One time we killed a wasp nest inside it.
Roberta: Look at this one. You girls are dressed like hoboes. Oh, was that a fun costume party?
Lois: Yeah. Really fun. And long.
Roberta: Here's another one of Dad doing his pretend angry face. And you doing a pretend sad face. I don't think you guys are serious in one of these photos.
Lois: That's us. Just a couple of kidders. You know, I can't get over how happy and friendly Dad looks in picture after picture after picture.
Sylvia: Well, you know, Victor wasn't perfect. Sometimes he'd come home a little grumpy. But I'd sit him down, we'd talk it out, and before you knew it, he'd be laughing and joking and giving the girls hugs and kisses.
Lois: You know, I think I need a little fresh air.

Lois: Mother, what are you doing here?!
Ida: "Oh, Mommy, I'd love you to come to my baby's party." Do you think I was born yesterday? I could spot lies coming out of your mouth since before it had teeth in it.
Malcolm: Lock the door.
Ida: [enters] Ha!
Roberta: Oh, my God, Mother, she's inside! Lock yourself in the den. I'll call the police.

Reese: Canada is the greatest nation on the face of the earth! Hey, Grandma. I can't believe I've never been hunting before. Nature is so complex and beautiful... and bad at hiding.
Scott: [tearful] Never again. He was... It was... The horrible laughter.
Reese: Thanks, man. [returns rifle] I'm not going to need this anymore. Next time I want to make a little eye contact.

Malcolm: [to camera] Jerome's amazing. He was born with the same brain as me, but he used it to become friends with the kind of popular, well-adjusted people who hate me.
Jerome: You're right. Nobody cares about student council. But I say what's bad about getting together, planting a few trees and making the school a little more pleasant for everyone?
Malcolm: [to camera] Wow. Jerome took something seriously and didn't get laughed at. That's like the triple Lutz of high school socializing. [Jerome falls through a chair] I'm glad it's him, not me! [Jerome laughs it off] Why couldn't that be me?
Jerome: Hey, don't forget about tomorrow night - karaoke party.
Malcolm: You do karaoke?
Jerome: Yeah, you should come.
Malcolm: Uh, karaoke's not my thing. I mean, you can probably sing.
Jerome: No, I can't. I'm terrible.
Malcolm: Then why do you do it? Aren't you afraid you'll look like a total idiot?
Jerome: Hey, if you're afraid of looking stupid, you'll never have any fun.
Malcolm: [to camera] He's forgetting about fun at someone else's expense. God, he's so much better than me.

Reese: Look, you're going to hear a lot of stories, none of which are true, about some weird stuff happening in the woods. There could be some grainy photos, but my point is, we should get over the border as quickly as possible. Let's go!