Piama: Honey, I got to get going.
Francis: You heading down to the art gallery?
Piama: It's not art!
Francis: Sorry. Heading down to the place where you sell overpriced, pretentious stuff to tourists with more money than taste?
Piama: You do listen.

Lois: Hal, I don't have any bread for Dewey's sandwich. You're gonna have to stop by the market on your way to school.
Hal: No problem.
Dewey: Or you could just give me Money for a hot lunch.
Lois: Don't be silly. Those things aren't nutritious.

Dewey: Why are we in a liquor store?
Hal: For the bread. Everybody knows liquor stores have the best bread in town. [whispers to owner] Ten lottery tickets, please.
Dewey: I don't see any bread.
Hal: What are you talking about? There's melba toast. If you can't make a sandwich out of that, you're just not trying hard enough. Oh, my God.
Dewey: What?
Hal: Dewey, I just won a thousand dollars! A thousand dollars! Yes! [both celebrate]
Dewey: What are we going to buy?
Hal: We're not going to buy anything with this, son. We're going to put this money right into your college fund. A secret college fund that your mother can never know about.

Malcolm: What is wrong with me?
Stevie: How long... you got?
Malcolm: I always ruin everything. Even with a perfect girl like Alison.
Stevie: Alison's... a moron.
Malcolm: She's not the problem. It's me. I overthink everything. I can't even carry on a normal conversation without screwing it up. Why won't my brain just let me be happy?
[Malcolm sees Reese giggling as he sprays water from the fountain]

Hal: [on pay phone] How much time do I get for a thousand bucks? Oh, Mama! I have been dreaming about this for years. What? Are you crazy? We can't do it at my house. My family's there. Uh, but there's a parking lot near my office where we can meet.

Alison: Hey, Malcolm. I-I forgot to ask you something.
Malcolm: Hmm.
Alison: Are you okay? Do you need to get to class or something? [Reese whispers behind locker]
Malcolm: No, I'm just killing time till lunch.
Alison: Oh, I know what you mean. These mornings can just drag on.
Malcolm: School's for suckers. It's just some scam thought up by parents so they can stay home all day and party hearty.
Alison: [gasps] Oh, my God. I've thought the same thing.
Malcolm: I, uh... I think it'd be cool if they took the one-dollar bill and changed it to the million-dollar bill. That way, nobody would be poor, and we'd all be millionaires.
Alison: That is such a cool idea. I want to help poor people, too. What I wanted to ask you is, um, do you want to go to the dance with me on Friday?
Malcolm: Yeah! I was waiting to ask you, but I wanted to find the right time, and the... Uh, awesome.
Alison: Awesome.

Stevie: What'd you get... for problem... 17?
Malcolm: [makes screeching brake sound] I drew a tank.
Stevie: What's wrong... with you?
Malcolm: Huh?
Stevie: For two days... you've been acting... like an idiot.
Malcolm: No. For two days, I've acted like someone who's happy and relaxed.
Stevie: You're turning... into Reese.
Malcolm: So? I'm not stressing out about school and girls and stuff. That doesn't make me an idiot. That makes me the opposite of an idiot.
Stevie: The brain... is a muscle. Use it... or lose it.
Malcolm: But maybe if you use it too much, it'll cramp up on you. Didn't think about that, did you? [falls over in Stevie's wheelchair]
Stevie: Malcolm?
Malcolm: [chuckles] I fell.

Dewey: You're supposed to take me ice-skating today. Where were you?
Hal: I'm sorry, Dewey. I got stuck at the office.
Lois: So, Hal, I called the office today and they said you took the whole day off.
Hal: That's right. I spent the whole day ice-skating with Dewey. Oh, you should see the boy, Lois. Twirling and jumping on that ice. He did a double axel that was, quite frankly, exquisite.
Lois: Hal, we've got to go over next month's budget tonight.
Hal: Oh, I can't tonight, honey. I have to go into the office to make up for the time I missed with Dewey. Yeah, the office. Can't get enough of the good ol' office. [crushes peas with spoon]

Malcolm: Check out this awesome story. So I thought I was going to borrow Reese's tuxedo T-shirt For the dance tonight, but then I saw one at the mall that said, "FBI Federal Booby Inspector." Federal Booby Inspector! Awesome.
Stevie: You... the man.
Reese: Malcolm, I know I promised you the tuxedo shirt, but I saw this at the mall, and I think it's way better.
Malcolm: Oh, my God! I was going to buy this after school!
Reese: No way!
Malcolm: Righteous! [they accidentally headbutt each other]
Reese: Whoa.

Malcolm: Come on, Stevie. You got to come with us. We're like the Three Musketeers. You can't have the Three Musketeers without... What's his name.
Reese: Nougat.
Malcolm: Yeah, that dude.