Lois: Would you like some more orange juice, Stevie?
Stevie: Thank you... Lois.
Malcolm: [to camera] Stevie's staying at our house for a week while his parents are in Hawaii. They get tropical drinks on a beach while he gets to watch my dad air-drying in the kitchen.

Lois: Did everyone notice the way Stevie pre-sliced the grapefruit sections? It's so nice to have a boy in the house who's not a rude little monster.
Reese: Hey, was that shot at me?
Lois: Yes, honey, it was.

Malcolm: Sometimes when it rains, they get stuck. Here.
Alison: Thanks. Uh, Malcolm, right?
Malcolm: Yeah, and I know you're Alison. I'm glad we finally talked after a month of being locker neighbors.
Alison: "Locker neighbors"?
Malcolm: Yeah, we're... This is my locker.
Alison: Oh! You- Locker neighbors... 'cause... 'cause we're right next door. Yeah, that- That's funny. I- I get it. [school bell rings]
Malcolm: Well, uh, see you, neighbor. And keep your damn dog off my lawn!
Alison: I- I don't have a dog.
Malcolm: No, no, I was kidding, because we're neighbors and sometimes neighbors have a problem with their dogs going... See, I always assume people know when I'm kidding, but sometimes it's just so subtle I come off sounding like a jerk. I mean, not too subtle for you. I don't want to sound condescending. It's just I think about this kind of stuff a lot. And I should have stopped talking 30 seconds ago, right?
Alison: Uh, I have to go to gym now.

Man: That's your ground speed indicator and that's your vibration tachometer.
Hal: Check. [laughs] Yes, sir! Can't wait to resurface some roads with this baby.
Man: Wow, looks like you're all set.
Hal: Yes. Now, let me ask you a hypothetical. I mean, if I was to accidentally run over something... I mean crush it into dust where they're completely unrecognizable...
Man: You'd want to center it in the middle of the drum. That is, if such a tragic incident should occur.
Hal: Come again?
Man: Look, a lot of our, uh, "road builders" have that inevitable fragile item cross their paths.
Hal: And if I were to encounter such a fragile item?
Man: You'd have no choice but to speed up until that item no longer posed a threat to your road building. Now sign here, and you can get to work.

Lois: Stevie, you are such an angel. You are welcome to stay with us any time your parents go away. Sure, Hawaii's great, but we're having fun right here, huh?
Stevie: Sure are.
Lois: Hey, I didn't buy this.
Stevie: Forty-nine... cents less... with lotion.
Lois: Ooh!

Malcolm: Who do you think invented the spoon?
Stevie: Paleo...
Reese: Spoony Spoonicus. [Malcolm and Reese laugh]
Malcolm: Spoony Spoonicus. That is so awesome.

Malcolm: Stevie, you got to let Reese head-butt you. It's like getting hit in the head with something really hard.
Stevie: Not... in this... lifetime.
Malcolm: Your call. Maybe we'll do one later at the dance.
Stevie: Go... with you? Ha... ha... ha.

Woman: Fabrizzi's a master. The desert is practically alive. It looks like the dolphin and the tiger are dancing. Could I get this picture but with my husband's face where the dolphin is?
Piama: Well, like all great artists, he'll do absolutely anything for money. Oh, my God! Francis, what happened?
Francis: [enters] You are going to be so proud of me. I was putting gas in the van, and this guy walked out of the men's room. The sunscreen guy! And when I saw, it was like I became this wild animal. Like nature took over. I ran up to him and I blindsided him with the windshield-wiper squeegee, and his Big Gulp went flying and he was crying for his mother! Do you want to see his front tooth?
Woman: You know what? I'm going to think about it and maybe come back another time.
Francis: Why are you whistling?
Piama: Honey, listen. I really want to hear about this, but I kind of told my boss I'm not trailer trash, and you're blowing my cover.
Francis: These little cuts and bruises? These here are the symbols of my success. I mean, the guy took some convincing, but in the end, the money was cheerfully refunded. Is there supposed to be this much blood in my pocket?
Piama: Okay, you're going to the emergency room.

Reese: Want some punch?
Boy: If I say yes, you're just going to hit me.
Reese: I'm going to hit you anyway, but it's funnier if you say yes first.

Alison: You guys are, like, the coolest brothers. I mean, you're both so easy to talk to. It's not like a strain or anything.
Malcolm: Yeah, Reese and I get along awesome.
Alison: It's 'cause you're so alike. You should totally check to make sure you're not, like, twins or something.
Malcolm: I'll ask my mom when I get home.
Alison: I just got a really good idea. I know this senior who's got some beer stashed.
Malcolm: No way.
Alison: We can grab a six pack and a blanket and go down to the football field.
Malcolm: Awesome. [to camera] I can't believe I'm about to do this. Underage drinking, making out with a girl where we're almost certain to get caught. High school rules!