Hal Quote #56
Quote from Hal in Stock Car Races
Hal: What seems to be the trouble here, Officer, uh, Karl?
Security Guard: These your boys?
Hal: Yes, sir, that they are. Fine boys. Couldn't be prouder of them.
Security Guard: For your information, these are two of the worst kids I have ever encountered in my life. And I work the state fair.
Hal: Really? See, that must be fascinating. Seeing people from all over, the different cultures-
Security Guard: Hey, I don't want to be a hard case here, but these kids physically attacked me. Plus, they completely destroyed a $300 pneumatic drill which someone's going to pay for.
Hal: Well, this all sounds pretty serious. But don't you worry, Officer Karl. They are going to hear all about it when I get them home. See, I'm just sorry that they had to put you through all of this. That's not fair. And I, uh, see, I fully intend to pay for-
[Hal kicks Officer Karl in the shin]
Hal: Clyde, Kevin! Get to the car!
Malcolm in the Middle Quotes
‘Stock Car Races’ Quotes
Quote from Dewey
[As Malcolm and Reese watch cartoons on the couch, Dewey stands in front of Reese and smiles]
Reese: What are you looking at, monkey boy?
Dewey: [punches self] Ow! Ow! Ow! Reese!
Reese: What are you doing?
Dewey: Help! Ow! Help! Mom!
Reese: Cut it out. Cut it out.
Dewey: Ow! Help! It hurts! Ow!
Reese: Knock it off, you little- [grabs Dewey]
Lois: Reese, what the heck are you doing? Honest to God, you can't leave that kid alone for five minutes without picking on him!
Reese: I didn't do anything, Mom.
[As Lois drags Reese off, Dewey takes his seat on the couch]
Malcolm: [to camera] I gave him that.
Quote from Spangler
Spangler: I smell smoke. Who is responsible? [silence] Very well. We'll do it the hard way. Patton.
[Spangler's dog, Patton, growls as he walks him by each cadet. When Spangler stands in front of Francis, Patton barks]
Spangler: Francis, please lift up your right foot.
[Francis lifts his foot to reveal a stamped-out cigarette]
Spangler: [sighs] Son, you have the worst attitude I've ever seen in 15 years at this institution. You seem compelled to break every rule, to flout every convention. You are never going to make it - in the armed forces or anywhere else. Now, I was never fortunate enough to serve in combat but I do know what it requires. Look at this dog. [Patton chews on Spangler's pant leg] He is vicious, he is ungrateful and yet even he understands the importance of obedience. Do you hear what I am saying, Francis?
Francis: Yes, sir. I'll try to be more like a Jack Russell terrier, sir.
Spangler: There will be no hot water for this floor for the entire month. You can thank the cadet after I leave.
[Spangler limps away with Patton still gnawing at his leg]
Quote from Spangler
Spangler: Men, a terrible tragedy has befallen us. At approximately 1700 hours, our beloved Patton was set upon by a serpent and devoured. I, myself, fired a few rounds as it slithered away but, hampered by a lack of depth perception, my efforts were useless. [sniffles] Now, after an incident such as this certain questions arise. Leaving aside for the moment why God feels the need to take away everything that I love, that leaves us with the matter of who is responsible. [holds out gloved hand] Can you explain that, Francis?
Francis: Yes, sir. I believe you lost that finger trying to start the school lawn mower.
Spangler: What is in the hand?
Francis: They appear to be Raisinettes, sir.
Spangler: They are snake droppings, found in your footlocker. Now, what do you have to say for yourself?
Francis: Sir, I'm obviously the victim of an elaborate conspiracy to frame me. It's just too perfect, sir.
Spangler: Two months! No hot water, no television and an 8:00 p.m. curfew for the entire academy! Feel free to thank the cadet after I leave.