Reese: I love this new job. If you claim to be a doctor on the phone, no one questions it, not even other doctors.

Reese: [on the phone] Listen, we wouldn't be calling again if it wasn't an emergency. The utility company's informed us that there's an alarming amount of graydon in your home. Now, your family's been chosen to survive, but your neighbors aren't going to be so lucky. Look, don't buy it from Air Scrub. Buy it from one of our competitors. I gave you the number, but for the love of God hurry! [hangs up] [answers second phone in a high-pitched voice] Happy Air, how may I help you?

Malcolm: [on the phone] And there isn't any kind of construction or quarantines, and you're not planning on moving the hospital before I can get there? Fine. Go take care of your precious bus crash. [hangs up] [to camera] I want to make sure I cover all my bases. I got the directions, I got a gift, his favorite cookies. This time, there's nothing that can stop me from visiting Stevie. There are very few things in this world as valuable as friendship.
Hal: Damn.
Malcolm: What's wrong, Dad?
Hal: Nothing, I just put the battery in backwards.
Malcolm: [to camera] Oh, God. Why now? I can't leave him like this.

Hal: It's nothing. Some punk kid swamped me.
Malcolm: And you're just gonna let him get away with that?
Hal: It's no big deal. I'll just go to another part of the lake.
Malcolm: Why? So he can sink you there, too? You've to fight back. What did you always teach me about standing up for myself?
Hal: I can't beat up a ten-year-old. I suppose I could hold him down while you hit him.
Malcolm: No, Dad. Let's beat him on the water. With just a few modifications, we can make this boat unstoppable. We can modify the propeller for more thrust. We can put a titanium tip on the prow. We'll slice his boat in half!
Hal: We can really do all that?
Malcolm: Absolutely.
Hal: Could we put a little skipper on the deck?
Malcolm: I don't see why not.
Hal: Malcolm, it's times like these I'm certain you weren't switched at birth.

[When Hal opens his closet door:]
Lois: Gotcha! [Hal gasps] Sorry, Hal, I thought you were someone else.
Hal: What are you doing? How long have you been in there?
Lois: Just a few hours.
Hal: A few hours?! What's going on?
Lois: I don't know, Hal. I think one of the boys is screwing with me. My bookmark was on the wrong page. I found a loose thread on my smock. The car radio was tuned to a station next to the one that I always listen to. Oh, my God, I sound insane, don't I?
Hal: Honey, what you need is to take a step back and clear your head. You know what helps me? Working with Malcolm to weaponize my boat.

Hal: Now, just be cool, Malcolm. As far as anyone knows, we're just a normal father and son who love each other. Stay calm. There's a woman with a stroller. Wave with me so it looks natural. Good, she's buying it. Arms down. No one suspects a thing. Steer clear of those ducks. We'll deal with them later.

Malcolm: I hope this kid shows up soon. I was planning on visiting Stevie today.
Hal: Well, you just saw him yesterday, didn't you?
Malcolm: Not exactly.
Hal: But you did see him over the weekend, right?
Malcolm: No.
Hal: Wait. How many times have you seen Stevie?
Malcolm: If you add them all up... none.
Hal: None? Malcolm, I can't believe what I'm hearing. Your best friend is in the hospital, and you're here helping me stalk a ten-year-old.
Malcolm: I'm trying, but visiting someone in the hospital isn't as easy as you might think.
Hal: Malcolm, don't you see what you're doing? You're just avoiding an unpleasant situation.
Malcolm: I know. It's just that Stevie and I have never really talked seriously about his illnesses. We've kind of had this unspoken agreement that he was just a regular kid. If I had to see him lying in his hospital bed, hooked up to God knows what, it's kind of hard to pretend like nothing's wrong. I just don't know what to say.
Hal: Son, don't think about it. Sometimes all you have to say is hello.
Malcolm: That's a great way to put it. So simple.
Hal: I got it off that bus bench over there. It's an ad for a long-distance company. You get yourself down to that hospital and show Stevie that you give a damn.

Lyle: [on phone] There just doesn't seem like there's any reason to go on living. I'm overweight, I don't have any friends. I just- Look, look, this is pointless. I'm just gonna hang up now. No one cares about me.
Reese: Listen, Lyle. I'm as lost as you are. I mean I may not even graduate high school. I'm completely broke. If I disappeared, who would notice? But now I've got a purpose. Maybe you and I were meant to talk today.
Lyle: You mean like like fate?
Reese: Exactly. Maybe life is like a roller coaster, and you only go down so you can have fun coming back up.
Lyle: Maybe. Well, I... I actually feel a little better.
Reese: Now, this is what I want you to do. I want you to walk to the bathroom, and I want to hear you flush those pills down the toilet.
Lyle: [flushing sound] They're gone. I- I did it. [Reese's colleagues cheer] I don't know what to say. Thank you, Reese. Thank you.
Reese: Don't thank me, Lyle. This is all you. You should feel good about yourself for what you did today. You should treat yourself to something really nice. Why don't you take out your credit card and buy a dozen air purifiers.
Lyle: Well, that... That sounds a little expensive.
Reese: I just saved your life and now you're questioning me?!
Lyle: Look, I'm- I'm sorry. I was just saying-
Reese: Every minute I'm talking to you, the price is going up! I want those numbers now, do you hear me?
Lyle: Let me find my wallet.
Carl: [to the supervisor] Just give him the damn TV.

Malcolm: Look who's in the hospital. Stevie Kenarban. What a surprise. Well, if you think I came down here to feel sorry for you, you've got another thing coming. 'Cause I didn't feel sorry for you when they bolted your spine or you got that mold on your brain, and I'm not going to feel sorry for you now. Glad you didn't die. See you when you get out. [exits and returns] Oh, and here's your cookie. [exits]
Stevie: [to another patient] I told you... he'd come. [eats cookie]

Hal: How 'bout it, Malcolm? You're gonna be out of the house soon. This could be our last chance to spend some quality together time.
Malcolm: I can't, Dad. You know it was Stevie's big surgery yesterday. They just moved him out of intensive care and I really want to go visit him.
Hal: Damn!