Jessica: Oh, great. I have Larry Neff as a lab partner; the groper. The experiment's going to be hard enough as it is without my lab partner trying to honk my boobs every five minutes.
Malcolm: You think you've got it bad? I got stuck with Vicki Jarret.
Vicki: [to a group of boys] Brad, not again! You're hilarious!
Malcolm: Okay, so she's totally hot. But I'm going to end up doing all the work by myself, which would be fine, but then she'll ask me to explain it. And then she'll just have to cry because the little bulb on top of her spine that she calls a brain will start to hurt, and then I'll end up looking like a jerk.
Jessica: Oh, come on, Malcolm. Give her a chance. Hey, maybe you two can come up with a new formula for lip gloss.

Vicki: I have a confession to make. I requested you as a lab partner.
Malcolm: Yeah, that doesn't surprise me. Look, I'll walk you through the experiment, I'll do your homework, but I will not cheat on a test for you, okay?
Vicki: Fair enough.
Malcolm: Okay. I'll dry the substrate and remove the ether on the evaporators. You, uh, want to wash the beakers? That's science, too.
Vicki: Come on, Malcolm, I am a part of the team.
Malcolm: Vicki, believe me. I would let you help if I had any confidence that you knew what we were trying to do here. But all you do is sit in class and you giggle and whisper to your friends-
Vicki: Hand me the morpholino-cyclohexene, and you mix in the dry dioxane with the methylvinylketone.
Malcolm: Oh, my God, you're smart!
Vicki: Ssh. Nobody needs to know that.
Malcolm: I don't get it. Why do you need me to be your partner?
Vicki: Maybe I think you're cute. Anyway, it'd be nice to talk to someone about something deeper than the latest ringtone they downloaded. Most of my friends think...
Malcolm: [to camera] I know she's still talking, but I didn't hear anything after "I think you're cute."

Jessica: Hey, where were you? You missed it. Randy Gerber shoved an entire tater tot up a ninth grader's nose.
Malcolm: Oh, I forgot to tell you. Vicki and I are going to walk over and get lunch at the mall.
Jessica: Malcolm, what are you doing? We both agreed she's cheerleader scum.
Malcolm: But that's before she made out with me for an hour behind the gym.
Jessica: Shut up!
Malcolm: I know. I can't believe it either. And you know what else? She's sweet and kind and smart. Really smart.
Jessica: So the nasty, self-absorbed shallow thing is just an act? Wow, she's good.

Malcolm: Somebody's a little late.
Vicki: Sorry. My friends are having a raging debate on glitter versus gloss. I couldn't just duck out of it.
Malcolm: Didn't Fermat's last theorem settle that?
Vicki: [laughs] He wishes.

Hal: Come on, son, keep up. And remember, just because a person is in a position of power, doesn't mean you can let them intimidate you.
Dewey: Can't we just stick a potato in his exhaust pipe like we did with your boss?
Hal: There he is. Excuse me.
Phelps: May I help you?
Hal: Well, you better talk to this guy. He's pretty steamed.
Dewey: I got a hole-in-one on the 18th hole and I didn't get a free game.
Phelps: I remember you. Ball got stuck. I thought we went over this.
Dewey: We did. But for some reason, I just wanted to come over here and make sure.
Hal: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! My son is not done with you yet. Go on, tell him, Dewey.

Dewey: I have friends.
Phelps: Excuse me?
Dewey: I have friends.
Hal: Friends who don't mind driving an extra thirty miles to the next miniature gold course, even if it does have a crow problem.
Phelps: Are you threatening me?
Hal: Boy. Sure sounds like he is to me.
Phelps: Listen, kid, your ball didn't ring the bell. Ball doesn't ring a bell, no free game.
Hal: And yet the boy feels like he got a hole-in-one.
Phelps: Listen, if you want to think you got a hole-in-one, I'll give you a scorecard. You can give yourself 18 holes-in-one. Excuse me. [Hal grabs the scorecard, scrunches it up and throws it at Phelps]
Hal: Dewey, no! [restrains Dewey] Don't worry, I got him, but I am not always going to be here! Come on. Calm down.

Vicki: I really want to be with you, Malcolm. I just can't be seen with you in public.
Malcolm: What? Are you serious?
Vicki: You have to appreciate my situation. I'm incredibly popular. I've been homecoming queen twice. And there's a certain image of me that people here are really invested in.
Malcolm: How do you think this makes me feel?
Vicki: Look, nerdball, I have no idea where the Math Club meets. Did you lose your laminated map? [Vicki's friends walk by] All that matters is that you know how crazy I am about you. I think it's really romantic. It's like Romeo and Juliet. Our love has to be hidden.
Malcolm: I'm not hiding it.
Vicki: I wish you would.
Malcolm: So what you're saying is you can't be seen with me in the cafeteria or the quad or at dances.
Vicki: Or at games.
Malcolm: And I can only see you someplace where, God forbid, we won't run into any of your friends?
Vicki: Right!
Malcolm: Okay. [Vicki giggles]

Reese: That breakfast looks pretty good.
Dewey: Yeah, it is. You want to do me a favor and go stink it up someplace else?
Reese: How do you think I feel? I have to smell me all the time. Look, I've been having a tough week. Is there any chance you could lend me a couple bucks?
Dewey: Ooh, sorry. I don't have my wallet on me. I'll catch you next time.
Reese: God bless you.
Hal: You know, Dewey, what Reese is doing is pointless and idiotic, but I think you can really learn something from him. This is what it looks like when someone stands up for themselves.
Dewey: I didn't get the free game, Dad. I accept that we don't always get what we want. Being part of this family has really prepared me for that.

Malcolm: [to camera] Things are going better than ever with Vicki. We went on a picnic, to the movies, and she even lets me ride in her car as long as I keep my head down.
Vicki: Oh, by the way, I was able to get out of that student council meeting, so I'm free after school.
Malcolm: Hey, great. I was thinking that... [Malcolm notices Vicki's friend] the hydroxide ions necessary for the neutralization must be supplied by a weak base such as ammonium hydroxide.
Brad: What is with you, freak? Every time I turn around you're hounding Vicki about that stupid experiment. Is he bothering you?
Vicki: Yeah, kind of.
Brad: [grabs Malcolm] Leave Vicki alone. [slams him against his locker] Okay, butt-wipe?
Vicki: [whispers] Call me.
Jessica: You know, I was kind of skeptical at first, but now I see what you two have is really beautiful.

Lois: Oh, no, you don't! Reese!
Reese: Okay, what now?
Lois: What on earth do you think you're doing?
Reese: We're testing out our new heating system. I think it's going to be a very comfortable winter.
Homeless Man: Hi. Lloyd Johnson. I'm an associate of your son's.
Lois: Get out of here before I turn the hose on you.
Reese: You can't treat Lloyd like that after what the CIA did to his brain waves.