Stevie: I hope... my wheelchair... fits in the... make-out closet.

Lois: We are not getting through to him.
Hal: Well, what else can we do? We- We've taken away television, video games, his music, fresh air. Lois, we have taken away his air, and he doesn't care about any of it.
Lois: Well, we had better come up with something before he winds up being a problem for the state.
Hal: I don't know, maybe we should try something other than punishing him.
Lois: Like what?
Hal: Maybe Reese needs more attention. Positive attention. When I was his age, I always wanted someone there to talk to, to hang out with, be a role model.
Lois: Oh, Hal, I don't know.
Hal: Lois, that boy needs a father figure, and I really think it should be me.

Lois: You are not to step foot outside of this house except for school for the next month!
Reese: Okay.
Hal: Wait a minute, honey, he has to go outside. He's not done pulling weeds from his last punishment.
Lois: Oh, I think staying inside with no TV is worse than weeding.
Reese: I'm already banned from TV.
Lois: You are?
Hal: All right. Fine. No TV, no going outside except for weeding, which you'll do at night. Inside. Oh, I got nothing.

Reese: I thought you said we were trying something new.
Hal: That's right, we are.
Reese: So this isn't a punishment?
Hal: No. Why would you say that?
Reese: 'Cause you keep looking at me and saying stuff.
Hal: I am paying attention to you.
Reese: But, Dad, a cooking class?
Hal: Come on, Reese, open your mind. The art of cooking is as masculine as any of these other courses judo, riflery, kickboxing. Anyone can fight, but it takes a special man to craft a truly great Bolognese sauce.
Reese: I still feel like I'm in trouble.

Hal: Honey, the whole cooking thing was my idea. I'll handle this. Reese, we pulled you out of class because we know you cheated. Now, you would have won easily. Why did you do it?
Reese: I don't know. It was fun.
Lois: Those people worked very hard on their dishes, and you destroyed them. How would you feel if you were that poor woman whose quiche you salted?
Reese: Fat?
Hal: Reese... do you know what empathy is?
Reese: No.
Hal: Empathy is putting yourself into other people's shoes so you can feel the way they do. If you hurt someone, empathy makes you hurt as well.
Reese: Then, why would you want empathy?
Hal: [to Lois] He has no more sense of right and wrong than a tree frog.

Hal: All right, son, here's what's going to happen. For the next month, you are not allowed to cook a meal.
Reese: That's it? So I don't cook, big deal.
Hal: That means no chicken cordon bleu, no Windsor tortes.
Reese: Wait a second. You said no cooking. The torte is baking.
Hal: No baking, no broiling, no sautéing.
Reese: Come on, you can't do that.
Lois: You heard your father. The stove and all the whisks are off limits for a month.
Reese: Oh, please, I'll be good. I promise. I'll do whatever you say.
Hal: I'm sorry, son. This is the way it has to be. [Reese goes to his room]
Lois: It worked. I think we really turned a corner with him. We have a weapon. His actions will have consequences.
Hal: I know. We can hurt him. We can be parents again. Oh, it's even worth suffering through a month of eating your flank steaks.
Lois: Amen to that.

Dewey: I had a bad dream.
Hal: It's okay, sweetie. Here, come on. Come on. [Dewey climbs into their bed] It's okay now. What was your dream?
Dewey: I dreamed... there was this man... outside the door with a big knife... and he wanted to tie everyone up... and kill them... and eat their eyeballs. Good night.
[As Dewey snuggles up in his parents' bed, Hal's eyes are wide open]

Cynthia: [to a boy] Hi, I'm Cynthia. We don't know each other, but I'm having a party. See how it says, "8:00 till ?" That means it could go on ad infinitum. [chortles] See you there. [to a girl] Hi, I'm Cynthia. We don't know each other, but...
Malcolm: What is she doing, inviting the whole school?
Lloyd: I'm sorry. I can't talk right now. I'm saving all my good conversation for the party. For instance, there's an interesting piece in this month's New England Journal of Medicine.
Dabney: Hey, that's my anecdote.

Malcolm: Cynthia, you're a Krelboyne. Krelboynes have Krelboyne parties.
Cynthia: You don't know how many friends I'm capable of making.
Malcolm: Yes, I do. Zero. Just like the rest of us. Cynthia, no one's coming to your party.
Cynthia: Oh, yeah? Well, it so happens the Kinkos man said I set a new record for laminated invitations.
Malcolm: So? That doesn't mean anything.
Cynthia: I know what this is all about. You're jealous.
Malcolm: Jealous?
Cynthia: Making friends obviously doesn't come easy to you. So you hide in your safe little circle while people like me throw big parties and make lots of friends and enjoy life. [wipes her finger on Malcolm's neck and the licks it] Hmm? Bitter. What a surprise.

Reese: Well?
Dewey: It's hot.
Reese: And it needs another bay leaf.
Hal: [to Lois] Just look at him. After tasting his chocolate soufflé, the class actually gave him a standing ovation.
Lois: Reese?
Reese: Dewey, are you happy with how those are julienned?
Dewey: I think so.
Reese: Go check the brioche. [off Dewey's look] The bread in the oven?
Dewey: Ah.
Reese: Dad, I just wanted to let you know how much that cooking class means to me. If you hadn't signed me up for it, I never would've known that something so stupid... could be so much fun. Thanks.
Lois: Oh, come on, that's got to make you feel good.
[Hal's grinning face is soaked with tears]