Lois: Okay, now listen up. I'm going to give you each $10 to buy me something.
Malcolm: [to camera] We've never done this before. Usually, on a birthday, we just make her stuff.
[flashback to Lois holding a potato with a coin stuck in it and "Happy Birthday" written on one side, and "I love you" on the other:]
Lois: Honey it's... nice.
Reese: It's a potato bank. I made it.

Lois: Now, you can each get me something. Or, you can put your money together and get me a... I don't know. Oh, now, look at that. A foot massager. Hey, and it's only 25 dollars. And you've got... 30 between you? Ha! Well, I'm sure whatever you get me, I'll love it. Now, meet me back here in ten minutes... [kids run off]

Francis: And it's my mom's birthday so it means a lot to her for me to come home. Just as a coincidence, my friend Richie is throwing a huge party on the same day. But enough about me. I can't believe that you and your schoolmates have come all the way from Mozambique just to see a bunch of national parks and monuments. I mean, I don't want to criticize, but you really haven't seen America until you've seen the small towns, met the people, studied the way my friend Rchie throws a keg party.
Amaani: You're wasting your time. She doesn't speak English.
Francis: Oh.
Amaani: Which is just as well, because if she understood the crap you were feeding her, she'd laugh in your face. I, on the other hand, find your desperation charming.
Francis: Really? Oh, well, there's plenty more where that came from.

Malcolm: Here you go, Mom. Happy birthday!
Lois: Don't you want to wrap it?
Reese: No, it's okay.
Lois: An eyeglass repair kit. A box of throat lozenges. A dirt bike magazine.
Reese: I might want to look at that when you're done.
Lois: This cost you $30?
Malcolm: No, it was, like, eight.
Reese: This store's great, mom.
Dewey: When can I have my candy?
Reese: Relax, dude, we have 20 bucks worth. Shotgun!

Francis: This is my house. Can't you just feel the authenticity of it? Not like those crappy, plastic national parks you've been going to.
Amaani: You can relax, Francis. I got off the bus already.
Francis: Right, okay. Here's the deal. We go inside, make a polite appearance for my mother's birthday, have some cake, drop off my laundry, and then we go to the party. My god.
Amaani: What?
Francis: Do you even know how astonishingly beautiful you are?
Amaani: Oh, yes. I've had 15 marriage proposals. That's why the general sent me on this trip... to keep me out of trouble.

Hal: Honey? Honey, where are you going?
Lois: Wherever I want.
Hal: Well... When are you coming home?
Lois: When? Whenever somebody in this family gives a damn.
[A moment after Lois drives off, the car stops and Francis and Amaana tumble out from the backseat]
Francis: Happy birthday, Mom!

Malcolm: This is bad. Mom's never taken off on us like this before.
Reese: Yeah. She usually throws us out.
Hal: You bought candy? You don't just... It was a... If I only had a... Stupid watch! Candy?! What were you... [groans] Oh!
Reese: What's his problem?

Malcolm: Francis, it's Mom. We've never made a big deal out of her birthday. And plus, she said she'd be happy with whatever we got her.
Francis: And was she happy?
Malcolm: Oh man, we suck.
Dewey: Did we make mom mad?
Francis: No, Dewey, worse. You hurt her.
Reese: Okay, I'm lost. [Francis punches Reese's arm] Ow!
Francis: That's how mom feels on the inside.
Malcolm: So what are we supposed to do?
Francis: We? Haven't you guys been listening? You screwed up, not me. I'm not doing anything. I don't know what you're going to do and I don't care. I have my own problems. I have to go to a kegger, party with my friends, make out with an African goddess with this hanging over my head. Come on, Amaani.

Amaani: I hope your friend Richie has some place where we can be alone.
Francis: You know my mom's going to end up blaming me for this.
Amaani: What?
Francis: This whole birthday fiasco. By the time she's done spinning it in her head, I'll be the one who gave her the crappy presents. Any chance my mom gets to make my life miserable she pounces.
Amaani: You know, in Mozambique, talking about your mother this much isn't considered a turn-on.
Francis: Sorry.

Francis: Ask me what she did for my birthday. Just ask me.
Amaani: Francis.
Francis: Okay. I'm sorry. That is the last time. It's out of my mind.
DJ: [on radio] And this next track is a special request to Lois from Hal. He loves you and misses you, and says if you'll come back, he'll give you that sweet monkey love... [Francis changes radio station]
Amaani: What are you doing?
DJ #2: [on radio] And this next song goes out to a very special lady from Craig.
Francis: Nothing.