Hal: What's wrong?
Lois: The boys.
Hal: Oh. Don't let them get to you. They'll be out of the house in ten years. What did those mean boys do, huh?
Lois: I gave them 30 dollars to buy something nice. They spent it all on themselves. They don't even care it's my birthday.
Hal: Well... Those boys are going to hear from me, let me tell you. They are going to get one heck of a talking-to. And then... I think I'll go for a drive. I'm just so furious. [walks into the kitchen] Damn it, damn it, damn it! Her birthday's on the 12th! Look at the... [digital watch beeps] Oh! No, no. No, I programmed this stupid watch to remind me that... Oh! [slams watch] [shouts] You boys are in so much trouble! [quietly] You've got to help me on this. [shouts] I can't believe that you could be so thoughtless! [quietly] We all screwed up really big this time. [shouts] I have a good mind to use the belt on all three of you!
Malcolm: Why are you yelling at us?
Hal: Sorry isn't good enough, mister. [shouts] I forgot your mom's birthday. [gasps] [whimpers]

Hal: Oh, geez, honey, that's... never going to happen.
Lois: What?
Hal: We're not smart enough to do that. Look who you're talking to. You might as well ask us all to be a foot taller. Sweetie, you're always going to have to tell us what to do. I mean, look at this half-baked celebration. I mean, we're at the top of our game here. Honey, the only thing that we're ever going to be able to offer you is our total abject obedience. I- I know that doesn't sound like much, but if you look at it this way, our meager abilities are yours completely. 100%.
Clown: Listen, wide ride, these guys are just trying to do something nice for you. Give them a break.
Hal: I'm sorry. Did you just call my wife "wide ride"?
Clown: Oh, okay, I get it. You gotta make a big show for... [Hal punches clown]
Hal: Now, you're going to get up and apologize... [clown punches Hal]

Craig: What are you doing here on your... day off?
Lois: Oh, I just stopped in with the boys so they could buy me a birthday present.
Craig: Oh. It's- It's your birthday? I'd- I'd completely forgotten. Seems like any other day, actually.
Lois: Yeah, well.
Man: [over P.A.] Craig to aisle seven. Craig to aisle seven.
Craig: Of course, you can't blame me for forgetting. I've been so busy lately. Seems like I'm always hitting the weights at the gym, working on the guns.
Man: [over P.A.] Craig, aisle seven.
Craig: Yeah, and when I'm not at the gym, I'm usually with my dixieland jazz group.
Lois: Really? What do you play?
Craig: I'm the costumer. You know, there are four different types of straw hats. And if you ever need those arm guarders...
Man: [over P.A.] Craig, I can see you.
Craig: Bye.

Craig: Hi, Hal.
Hal: Craig, what do you want?
Craig: Well, Lois and I had an exchange, and I felt bad... so... I'm sure she told you all about it.
Hal: No, actually, she didn't say anything. Craig, we're in the middle of...
Craig: Well, it's complicated. You see, I didn't buy Lois a present even though I wanted to, and I thought "This is silly", so I went ahead and got her one and... here it is.
Hal: Oh. Great. [chuckles] I'll... I'll take it in to her right now. Oh, such a nice... nice gift.
Craig: You know what? On second thought, uh, I can take care of this tomorrow. I'll bring it in to work.
Hal: Oh no, It wouldn't be any trouble at all. Really. [chuckles] No, I'd be happy to take it in to her.
Craig: Yeah, I'd really hate to put you out.
Hal: Don't be silly. [both chuckle] Give it. Give it.
Craig: Lois, it's Craig! He's stealing your present! It's a present that I paid $129 for!

Francis: He's not the only one pissed at you two little twerps.
Malcolm: What are you talking about?
Francis: I had this great party lined up with this beautiful girl, and all I had to do was come home, make an appearance at Mom's birthday, be the good son. Everything would've been fine, but now my trip home has been tainted. In her mind, we're all thoughtless jerks thanks to you guys.
Reese: What did we do?
Francis: Think about it. Mom gave you money to buy her a present, and you spent most of it on candy!
Reese: And the rest on her presents.
Francis: But you spent most of it on candy.
Reese: We've established that. We're just going around in circles here.

Francis: Okay, look. How would you feel if Mom didn't buy you a present?
Dewey: Mom's not buying me a birthday present?
Francis: No. That's not what I'm saying...
Dewey: But it's my birthday.
Francis: No, it's not.

Boy: Hey, lady, are you going to hog that cage all day?
Lois: I got a news for you, kid. I'm a grown-up with a credit card and no curfew. I could stay here all week if I want.
Boy: Yeah, but we want to hit. When you getting out of there?
Lois: You want me to get out? Okay, I'll get out, if you do one thing for me. You give me back 15 years of my life. Can you do that? Can you reverse time? Can you take me back to when I was 23, so I can stay single, go to music school and become a concert violinist? Huh? No? Okay. Looks like I'm going to have to keep on batting.
Boy: You can't just hog the cage because you're crazy. That's not fair.
Lois: You think I'm crazy? I'll show you crazy. [kids scream as Lois hits the cage with the bat]

Malcolm: Reese, what are you doing?
Reese: Making a list of women for Dad to look into, now that mom's gone.
Malcolm: Mom's coming back.
Reese: Hey, if you want to be in denial it's fine with me, but I'm trying to keep Dad from making the same mistake twice. It's called being proactive.
Malcolm: Mrs. Larson?
Reese: She can cook and her daughters are nymphos.

Hal: Lois, honey, come home please. What do we have to do?
Lois: A lot of things. I don't want to be taken for granted anymore. If I come back, you guys are going to make some changes.
Hal: Anything, whatever you want.
Lois: I don't ever want to have to remind my own family that it's my birthday.
Hal: You are so right. It will never happen again.
Lois: And one night a week, I don't want to have to fix dinner.
Hal: Absolutely, good, fine, done.
Lois: And I want dirty laundry in the hamper, not on the floor, not over a lampshade, not shoved in some mattress crack.
Reese: No problem.
Malcolm: In the hamper.
Lois: It's just that easy, huh?
Hal: Yes, it's just that easy.
Lois: Then why do I even have to ask? [boys are silent] If it's so obvious I need a little human consideration... I shouldn't even have to ask.

Malcolm: [to camera] There's a lot of good things about weekends. No school, cartoons... but the best thing about weekends is having a neighbor like old Mrs. Jenson. [kids put on masks]
All: Trick-or-treat!
Mrs. Jansen: Oh my, look at what nice costumes you have! These two for you, and two for you. There.
All: Thank you, Mrs. Jansen.
Mrs. Jansen: Goodbye.
Malcolm: [to camera] Hey, before you condemn us, we are the only kids who even talk to her. [kids change clothes] So if it wasn't for us, she would have no human contact at all. [doorbell rings]
Reese: We shuffled your walkway.
Mrs. Jansen: Oh, it looks wonderful. Let me get my purse.
Malcolm: [to camera] Okay, now you can condemn us.