Malcolm: Wait! We can't take the car. They'll know. Mom checked the odometer, remember?
Francis: I'm on top of it.
[cut to the boys in the car with Francis as he reverses it down the street:]
Dewey: Whee! Hi, school!
Reese: Oh, Malcolm, you should see this! Francis is kicking ass!
Francis: [radio blasting] I hate this '80s crap.
Malcolm: [to camera] One good thing about a head injury: there's a good chance I won't remember any of this.

Francis: Look, Doc, uh, about the bill-
Doctor: Oh, don't worry. We'll send it to your parents.
Francis: Yeah, well... We were kind of thinking we'd pay for it now.
Doctor: Okeydokey, but it's probably going to be about $400.
Malcolm: What?!
Francis: $400?
Malcolm: Don't you have a frequent customer discount like at the car wash? Or maybe we could work it off. We could empty bedpans, or wash cadavers. [to camera] It's probably not nearly as cool as it sounds.

Caroline: Where is my credit card?
Reese: It fell out of your wallet.
Caroline: How did that happen?
Reese: Let's go. Processing is right over here. Right near the vending machines. Do you have any change?
Malcolm: Thank you.

Hal: Huh. Well... I don't see any holes or crappy attempts to plaster them up.
Lois: But I'm sure there's something. There's always something. What are you hiding underneath that hat?
Malcolm: Nothing. I was just wearing-
[Lois removes Malcolm's hat to reveal his bandaged forehead]
Lois: You boys. [walks away]
Malcolm: [to camera] That's it? [to his parents] So, you guys think Francis did a good job taking care of us, then?
Hal: Oh, a great job.
Lois: Absolutely. You know, Francis, we were having our doubts about that school, but it's really matured you. In fact, I think it's the best decision we ever made. [Hal chuckles]
Malcolm: [to camera] Mom: 62,437. Kids: zero.

Malcolm: [to camera] So, we get to see Francis again in a month or two. I know. It sucks, but we gave it a shot. And school's easier now because Caroline won't even make eye contact with me anymore. So it wasn't a complete waste, and Mom always says it's not a wasted experience if you learn something from it. And I definitely think I did. Okay! Ready!
[As Malcolm and Dewey lie on the sidewalk, Reese gets ready to ride his bicycle up a ramp and jump over them]

Caroline: Malcolm, I'm a little concerned. You're doing very well in your studies, but I still sense an emotional distance between us. And I hate it. I'd really like us to try to connect on a deeper level.
Malcolm: [to camera] Whoa. She is coming on to me. [to Caroline] I thought you were dating the janitor.
Caroline: Who told you that? God. One drink and... Never mind. What I am trying to say is, I know your parents. I know you have a colorful home life. So, just remember, if you ever need anything at all - a sympathetic ear, a shoulder to cry on - I want you to come to me.
Malcolm: [to camera] Yeah. That's what I need - another mom. [to Caroline] Okay. Great. Thanks a lot. Well, I got to go do the... thing.

Malcolm: [to camera] It's the coolest thing. It's the first time Francis is home from military school. Mom and Dad are going off to some wedding and Francis is in charge of us for the whole weekend. I can't believe how much I missed him. [to Francis] Hey.
Francis: Hmph.
Malcolm: [to camera] He's so great.

Lois: God, I hate this hairdo. I don't even know why I bother trying to impress your family anymore. They've always hated me.
Hal: Well, you are the one who stole their little Hally away from them. [kisses and hugs Lois] Better get moving.

Malcolm: [to camera] This plan better work. The only thing worse than no TV is golf on TV.
Francis: Oh, come on, guys. Let's go outside. Let's go do something.
Malcolm: No. They're only on the sixth hole. [to camera] They're only on the sixth hole.

Lois: I can't believe we're going to this wedding. What a waste of time.
Hal: Oh, come on, I promise it'll be fun.
Lois: Hal, I'm not Dewey.
Hal: Sorry. But still, we're alone, we're away from the kids. Right now, we're just two unencumbered consenting adults. I say we enjoy it.
Lois: Yeah, you're right. It will be nice to have some time for just the two of us. And I'm going to love not having to yell at somebody every 20 seconds. [shouts] Either speed up or get off the road, jackass!
Hal: Absolutely deserved it.