Reese: You want me to show you again?
Lois: No, Reese. I'm afraid.
Reese: So you're chicken, huh?
Lois: Yes!
Reese: Oh. Mom, you might not know this, but I used to be afraid of a lot of things. Thunder, frogs, mailboxes...
Lois: You were afraid of mailboxes?
Reese: I used to imagine that if I stuck my hand in a mailbox, it would slam shut and rip my hand off, but I simply conquered my fear by ripping the lid off of every mailbox in the neighborhood. I turned that fear into hate. And you have to hate that bike just as much.
Lois: I don't have hate.
Reese: You've got hate in there. You just have to find it. Do you hate work?
Lois: Surprisingly, no.
Reese: What about your life? Your best years are gone, and they weren't so good.
Lois: I don't hate my life, Reese.
Reese: What about the stuff I've done to you, like when I baked your shoes, or broke your wedding china, or when I sold those tickets to those fifth graders to watch you shower?
Lois: You did what?!
Reese: Perfect! Now direct that anger to the bike!

Reese: So, lately, I've been going to the library with Mom. That's all. I don't want anyone following us. Like I said, it's just the library, where we do... library things. Has anyone seen our bicycle pump?
[When Reese turns around, Malcolm and Dewey are already fast asleep in their bed]

Reese: So, Mom, how's the bike-a-thon going?
Lois: Just great. I'm really excited about it.
Reese: You are, huh? How long have you been riding?
Lois: Long enough.
Reese: Fascinating! Hey, you know what I could go for? Another piece of cake.
Lois: There is no more.
Reese: What about that piece?
Lois: My piece?
Reese: That's okay. I don't need another piece of cake. I can just continue talking. So, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah, your bike riding. [Lois gives Reese her slice]

Malcolm: Hey, what's all the noise? You know the rule. The only sound allowed in this room is snoring.
Dewey: I've been waiting ten years to see Conrad Horner perform, and I overslept and completely missed it.
Malcolm: So? He'll come back in a few years.
Dewey: He's 98. I got there in time to get a program off the floor and see his ambulance drive away.

Malcolm: Oh, well. You know what would help? Sleep. I actually dreamed I was in this bed sleeping.
Dewey: Sleep is all we ever do anymore. Do you even know what day it is?
Malcolm: I don't even know what year it is.
Dewey: Get up! Don't you have a test tomorrow? It could affect college, your future!
Malcolm: I'm pursuing my dreams right here in a much more direct way.
Dewey: Well, I'm done with it.
Malcolm: Fine! More room for me.
Dewey: So that's your plan? You're going to sleep for the rest of your life? That's pretty pathetic.
Malcolm: I'll leave my mark. Long after I'm gone, the memory coils in this bed will still remember the contours of my body.
Dewey: Listen to yourself. That's insane. This bed is evil. It's draining your soul, Malcolm! [Malcolm snores] Malcolm?

Malcolm: [wakes up] My back's killing me. What happened?
Dewey: Malcolm, you're awake. We were worried about you for a while.
Malcolm: What happened to the new mattress?
Dewey: What are you talking about?
Malcolm: The mattress! I know there was a mattress.
Dewey: Maybe it was a dream.
Malcolm: It wasn't a dream! The mattress was perfect and white, and it felt like a cloud! It fell out of the sky, and it made me happy!
Dewey: Was it just a bed, or was there a beanstalk, too?
Malcolm: [sighs] Maybe it was a dream.
Dewey: You were happy, Malcolm. Of course it was a dream.

Reese: Okay, Mom, this is it. Once you're up, don't look down.
Lois: But-
Reese: Trust me. Just start pedaling. I'm going to make sure you get through this. You are not alone.
Lois: Thank you, Reese.
Reese: Now go!
Lois: [rides bicycle] Oh, my God! I'm doing it! I'm riding!
Reese: Don't worry, Mom! This is for your own good.
Lois: Reese?!
Reese: Try to go slow, Mom! I'm going to crash into you! I'm going to prove to you that falling isn't so bad!
Lois: No, Reese, I'm doing fine, see?
Reese: Mom, it's the only way!
[After Reese crashes in to Lois, she is flung off her bike onto the soft grass. Reese, meanwhile, is thrown up into the air and he lands with his pelvis on the bike frame]
Lois: Reese, it worked! I'm not afraid. I can ride. Thank you.
Reese: Mommy.

[A White police officer stops Abe and his friends, who have Hal restrained in the back seat]
Hal: Help me! Help me!
Police Officer: So, want to tell me what's going on here?
Abe: It's cool, Officer. You see, we tied him up because he's got a painful, busted tooth, and he refused to let us fix it.
Hal: Help! Help me! I need help!
Police Officer: Okay. Drive safe.
Abe: Thank you, sir.
Hal: [screams] Help! Help me! Help me!

Lois: You're the one who invited your friend over. Now that he's here, you can't just suddenly change your mind. Now get up and be nice to Ryan.
Hal: Fine. Hi, Ryan. You want a beer? [man nods]

Abe: You look pretty dumb in those glasses.
Hal: Oh, yeah? Well, I read a book about poker tells, and my eyes have been giving away my cards. We'll see who looks dumb when I am dancing on a mountain of poker chips. [Hal lets out a giddy exclamation as he looks at his cards]
Brian: I'm out.
Trey: Me, too.
Malik: Fold.
Hal: Damn!