Hal: OK, boys, we have come a long way and today is the day we show what we're made of. Now, who are we?
All: The forces of good!
Hal: And who's evil?
All: The Gophers! [all cheer]
Referee: We've got a schedule change, coach. The Gophers didn't show up, so you're playing the Black Hawks again. [all sigh] Don't worry, I'll call it before it gets ugly.
Boy #1: We're playing the Black Hawks again?!
Hal: Boys, listen to me. You're forgetting your mission. You're here to fight evil and the Black Hawks are the most evil of all. You know when the teacher remembers to give you homework right before you leave school, the Black Hawks are behind it. When your mother says, "You can't watch TV" for no reason, the Black Hawks told her to say that. Think of all those Christmas presents you didn't get that you wanted. Do you know who got them? The Black Hawks. If it were up to them, we wouldn't have a Christmas! [all gasp] I , for one, am glad we have the chance to fight for what is right and good! Now, I ask you boys, who are we going to beat?!
All: The Black Hawks!
Hal: And what are they?
All: Evil!

Dewey: If you want me, I'll be under my bed.
Hal: Oh, come on, Dewey, it wasn't that bad.
Dewey: It was terrible. I hate soccer. I stink. My team stinks.
Hal: 27 to nothing doesn't reflect how close the first five minutes of the game were. [Dewey looks unimpressed] Hey, you guys won the coin toss.

Dewey: I wanna quit.
Hal: Well, you can't quit. People don't just quit 'cause they lose a couple of games.
Dewey: The coach quit.
Hal: No, he had an emotional breakdown, that's not the same thing. The point is you're not quitting. In fact, you know what? I'm gonna coach you.
Dewey: What?!
Hal: Sure. This will be great. It'll give us a chance to hang out together, spend a little time together, kick the ball around. [chuckles] Who knows, some day you might look back and say, "Boy, I sure had some fun with my old man." What do you say?
Dewey: No!
Hal: Dewey, you are not quitting the team. I am going to coach you and we are going to create treasured father/son memories whether you want to or not.

Stevie: So, what's... on the... hard drive?
Reese: Nothing, he erased everything.
Malcolm: No, he just thinks he did. He may have deleted all the programs but he didn't format the drive.
Stevie: They never... do!
Malcolm: There it is. Let's check out what he's got in here.
Reese: Let's go through his e-mails.
Malcolm: Why? It's Ed, what's he gonna- Oh, my God! "Eddie, last night was amazing. You touched me places my husband never knew existed."
Reese: T. Goodwin. That's Mrs. Goodwin from down the block.
Malcolm: That's horrible! They're both married and fat!
Reese: Look at this one. "Edward, just saying your name turns me to jelly."
Stevie: That's... Mrs. Fisher.
Malcolm: Mrs. Carmen, Mrs. Wilson, Mrs. Belt! He's sleeping with half the woman in this neighborhood. Here's one from old Mrs. Swanback.
Stevie: Open... the picture... attachment. [boys groan]

Hal: [blows whistle] Alright, kids, let's huddle up. Hello, there. My name is Hal. I'm the new coach. Now, I don't know a lot about soccer but I do know about being a young boy and growing up can be tough! I know what it's like to be the class spaz, the fat kid, the nose-picker. Just wipe it on the grass, son.

Francis: Damn these loggers. Don't they know someone's got to clean up their caribou carcasses?
Eric: These antlers won't fit down the disposal.
Lavernia: Oh, hey, Francis, come away from there. You don't have to do that. You're much too valuable an employee to mess with that.
Francis: But yesterday you said you'd seen tumors with hair that were smarter than me.
Lavernia: Can't you tell good-natured ribbing? I've got a more important job for you. Why don't you sit this on chair and check out the reception on the TV. It's been kind of spotty lately. Oh, and make sure these sodas haven't gone flat.
Francis: That sounds do-able.
Lavernia: We've got other people to do the grunt work. A newlywed like you shouldn't be tiring himself out before he even gets home. Your lovely, young wife wouldn't like that, would she?

Reese: Where were you? I've been waiting ten minutes for that lotion. Look at this, I've started to freckle.
Ed: Reese, my wife gets back soon. I'm going to have a hard time explaining why I'm catering to a 15 year old boy.
Reese: I'll explain it to her if you want me to.
Ed: [chuckles] OK, forget that I mentioned it.
Reese: Fly.
Ed: [picks up swatter] Where?
Reese: Just a drill.

Piama: Hi, honey. This is great, you're home early. And you don't come home so mad any more.
Francis: I think we may have to split up.
Piama: What?
Francis: I'm not sure this marriage is working. I mean, I love you but I don't know you that well. Hell, I can't pronounce your last name.
Piama: Ta-nana-ha-akna.

Piama: And what about you? You were going to break up with me! You think that makes me feel safe?
Francis: You're right, I'm sorry. [hugs Piama] Wait! No, I'm not apologizing here! We need to bring that bird back. But if I do it, she's going to think I was involved. You made this mess without me, you clean it up without me.
Piama: Or what?
Francis: Or... maybe I'll do it for you! And you... have dinner ready when I get back!

Reese: So, Dad, are you gonna ground me?
Ed: Boy, your counselor was furious.
Reese: So, how about we head back to your place, set up your Jacuzzi and then you can throw something on the barbecue for me.
Ed: I've got a better idea. I'll get in my Jacuzzi and you'll fix dinner for me.
Reese: What are you talking about?
Ed: With the information I just got on you, I can call your mother and you won't see daylight for years.
Reese: Oh, yeah? One word and I'm telling your wife your little secret.
Ed: I guess the question is - am I more scared of my wife or are you more scared of your mother?
[cut to Reese massaging Ed's back:]
Ed: Then get a dozen peach roses - they've got to be peach - and run them over to Mrs. Malone's.