‘Hal Coaches’
Season 3, Episode 16 - Aired March 10, 2002
After Malcolm and Reese get their neighbor's old computer, Malcolm discovers a The Sims-style computer game, while Reese gets dirt on his neighbor. Francis's boss, Lavernia, suddenly starts treating him well now he's married to Piama. Meanwhile, Hal coaches Dewey's soccer team.
Quote from Hal
Hal: Boys, you know how you've been hounding us for years for your own computer? Well, your mother and I have arranged a deal with our nice neighbor Ed to get you one.
Ed: I'm giving you my old laptop. [places a giant white frame on the table]
Malcolm: Is it inside that?
Ed: No, that's it.
Hal: And in exchange you're going to help Ed set up his new computer.
Ed: It shouldn't be hard for a smart kid like you. All you have to do is install the sound and graphics cards, set up a wireless network for my broadband connection, and I'm good to go.
Hal: And Reese, you're gonna help him re-sod his lawn and build a gazebo.
Reese: What? No!
Hal: C'mon, boys, nothing in this life comes free.
Ed: Oh, Hal, here are those Foreigner albums. Pleasure doing business with you.
Hal: [chuckles] [to the boys] Oh, just be glad you're getting a computer.
Quote from Francis
Lavernia: Perhaps I should get a dog or a rat, some dumb animal that at least knows how to work for a living.
Francis: Yes, ma'am.
Lavernia: Damn idiots, never learned how to do one damn thing right in your entire lives.
Francis: Yes, ma'am.
Quote from Francis
Francis: Well, the oak seems to burn a few degrees hotter than the maple.
Quote from Reese
Reese: Ed, school gets out at 3. It's 2.15! I've been waiting for over an hour!
Ed: Sorry, Reese.
Mrs. Abbott: Excuse me.
Reese: Damn, hurry up.
Mrs. Abbott: Hello, I'm Mrs. Abbott, Reese's guidance counselor. I've been trying to talk to you about your son for the past three weeks!
Ed: Well, I'm here now. What can I do for you?
Quote from Francis
Francis: Lavernia, I'm sorry. I just talked to my wife and it turns out this was all a big misunderstanding. She's sorry, too, and we just want you to have... [holds up bird cage] I guess I should have put a blanket on this on the way over. I just want you to know that I- [Francis screams and runs out]
Quote from Francis
Piama: So you just left the truck and ran all the way home?
Francis: Hey, you didn't see the look on her face. I'm kind of scared to even go into work tomorrow. You know, she does have a turtle.