Hal: People, please, the money we raise cannot bring back his parents but we must do something. We're his only family now. Hasn't that poor, little boy suffered enough from the train wreck? Which, by the way is a surprisingly common occurrence when looked at in a nationwide context. Please, we've got to give till it hurts.

Reese: I'm just saying, it might be hard to get my hands on five blankets.
Man: Look, I need them. My family's freezing.
Reese: A lot of people are cold. It's a real problem. How about the watch?
Man: The guy before me only had to give you his socks.
Reese: It's a cold world. It's getting colder by the minute.
Man: You're an evil, little punk.
Reese: Uh-uh. Socks, too.

Old Woman: I already gave you money.
Hal: And you're satisfied. I see. That little boy doesn't need clothes or an education. Let's just put him to work in the mines like they did when you were a girl.
Old Woman: I'm on a fixed income.
Hal: So, what are you trying to do? Take it to the grave with you? Should we get you a casket with saddlebags?

Hal: Five hundred and sixty-three dollars? Come on, people. What if he needs braces? What if he has scoliosis? Huh? Okay, fine. I'll just say, "Sorry, little crooked boy. You can always get a job in the circus... while the rest of us drive our Porsches and eat our T-bone steaks."
Dewey: Dad, can we go home now? My stomach hurts.
Hal: Not now, son.
Man #1: That your kid?
Hal: Yes, why?
Man #1: This guy has been collecting money for his own kid.
Hal: What? Dewey, did you tell these people...?
Man #2: What the hell you trying to pull here, mister?
Old Woman: He's been yanking our chain!
Hal: No, no, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I swear, I didn't know anything about this. And if he lied to you, well, I can assure you that is not the kind of behavior I allow in my family.

Reese: Ow, ow, ow...
Capt. James: Is this your son?
Hal: Reese?
Capt. James: He was running a black market. He had two diabetics bidding against each other for insulin.
Reese: That is a lie.
[Captain James opens Reese's jacket to reveal a stash of stolen goods]
Hal: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Now, now, now, wait just a second. I know how this must look. But if you just give me the chance to get to the bottom of this, I swear to you, I will make this right. Come over here. You boys have both behaved very badly. So, you are both going to apologize to these nice, generous people like you have never apologized before. Do you hear me? [Reese and Dewey nod] Okay. Dewey, come on. Go ahead. Nice and loud.
Dewey: We're sorry we left the couch on the tracks and wrecked the train. [crowd groans]
Hal: Reese, run, run.

Francis: You are so dead.
Eric: Francis, you know I couldn't go out with Laura unless I found somebody for her sister. Now, you're here so just try to enjoy your date.
Francis: She's 12.
Girl: Hey, you guys want tattoos?
Eric: So she's not the one. You can still have a good time.

Francis: All right, that's it. Come on, get your books. We're getting out of here.
Girl: No, I want to eat.
Francis: No, we're going.
Girl: [shouts] I'm not leaving till I eat!
Francis: Would you keep it down, please?
Girl: You were a lot nicer when we were on the Internet.
Francis: Look, you can't pull this crap with me. I have three little brothers. I know every manipulation in the book. So get your butt in gear.
Girl: No, if I go home now, Laura'll get busted. We're supposed to be at the mall.
Francis: What do you care? Let me tell you something about your sister. She doesn't like you at all. She treats you like dirt. [the girl sobs] Well... she does. It's not your fault. I mean, you don't deserve that. No one deserves that. She's the one with the problem. Really, I'm sure you have a lot of nice qualities that people don't even... Waitress! Can we get some service over here?
Waitress: Yes?
Girl: I want the burger plate, extra fries and a chocolate malt.

Lois: What can I say? We're all trying to get through as best we can.
Reporter: Thank you. And of course, in these disasters, it's always the children who suffer the most.
Lois: No, no, no! You're not talking to him. He's grounded.
[Malcolm covers his face from the camera]

Woman: Excuse me, did you find the boy whose parents were killed?
Capt. James: Not yet.
Hal: Excuse me. Did you say, "killed"?
Woman: Yes, they were killed by the gas cloud.
Hal: Oh, my God.
Woman: The boy's mother saved him with her very last breath.
Man: And then the poor boy had to strangle his own dog just to stop its suffering.
Woman: And on his birthday! [sobs]
Hal: [whimpers]

Francis: Why don't you save me some money and just yell at your sister instead of burying your anger in a mountain of French fries?
Girl: Are you calling me fat?
Francis: What? No, I'm not calling you fat.
Girl: So now I'm a liar?
Francis: No, you're twisting around everything I say. Why do you do that?
Girl: [shouts] You hurt my feelings.
Francis: Okay, would you just keep it down, please? I'm sorry.
Girl: Why do you touch your hair so much?
Francis: I don't touch my hair that much. Why is everyone so fixated on my hair? I'm sick of it.
Girl: Okay, okay, relax.
Francis: I... I just... I don't want to talk about it. It's just that people make fun of me. The guys at school call me "Poodlehead."
Girl: That is so cruel. I mean, I can see it, but still...