Lois: Because every time you come in contact with me and my family, something horrible happens to you. I can't deal with the guilt anymore.
Craig: I don't know what you're talking about.
Lois: Come on, if it weren't for us, you'd still have all your teeth. You wouldn't flinch every time you saw a ceiling fan. Your car, it never would have been filled with bees.
Craig: Coincidences.
Lois: Craig, you broke your foot looking up a phone number for me.
Craig: Please, Lois, it's Christmas.
Lois: Here. Maybe you can fluff up the cotton on Santa's beard.
Craig: Thank you. [opens box] Ow! [a squirrel runs out of the box]
Lois: Oh! Well, I wish I could say I was surprised.

Dewey: I want you to buy me out.
Hal: No, Dewey, this is just a temporary setback.
Dewey: If you believe that, then buy me out.
Reese: It's over, Dad.
Hal: Over? We're only one tree away!
Malcolm: Dad, we can't get the truck back. We can't use the front lawn. The cops are watching us. Face it, we've lost.
Hal: So you're just going to let a little reality stop you, is that it? Boys, let me tell you something. The only way I've managed to get through my crappy life with any shred of self-worth is by living in denial. If I was going to let myself get beaten by failure, I would've quit after one kid. You just got to keep holding out for a miracle. And if a miracle isn't going to come at Christmas, then when is it going to come?! [doorbell rings] See?! There it is! Our Christmas miracle! I knew it!

Hal: Oh, honey, I can't do any more tonight. Let's just leave the mess and get some sleep, huh?
Lois: Wait a minute, we bought ten presents.
Hal: Yeah?
Lois: Why are there 11 packages? [the box rattles]
Hal: Oh, my God. [unwraps Jamie] Oh...
Lois: We would have figured it out before we mailed it, right?
Hal: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.