Lois: Kitty, I am so sorry. This is all my boys' fault. They turn everyone they come in contact with into scheming delinquents. They're like a virus.
Kitty: Oh, look, we don't blame your boys. Well, we do. But the thing is, Stevie has had a hand in this. I mean, he's changed. Ever since he hit middle school, he's just snippy and secretive and just shuts himself up in his room.
Abe: We should never have let him have that door. Hmm. I guess we're in for a few rough months.
Lois: [scoffs] Few months?
Abe: Well, when he gets older and realizes how much he's hurting us, then...
Lois: Then he'll be even better at it.
Hal: Let's face it. Teenagers are thoughtless, inconsiderate, eating machines dedicated to putting us through hell and sending us to an early grave. These kids just don't know how much we suffer.

Security Guard: You kids didn't know who you were messing with.
Stevie: You caught a kid... in a wheelchair. Kudos.
Security Guard: Shut up! You talk when I say.
Stevie: I'm shaking... in my chair.

Malcolm: I think we should run and jump the fence and get the cops.
Reese: No, we should stay right here. This is good. This is smart.
Malcolm: We're out in the open. We've got to move.
Reese: No. This guy's a psychopath. He's probably got bodies buried all over the country. The fair comes to town, he kills a bunch of locals, then packs up and moves on to the next bunch of victims.
Malcolm: Shut up. We're going to be fine.
Reese: Look, I just want to let you know I've always tried to be a good brother. If I ever hit you or broke your stuff, it was because you deserved it and it was fun, but that doesn't make it right.
Malcolm: Reese, please stop talking like this. We're going to be fine.
[Reese and Malcolm scream as Dewey jumps out]
Reese: Take him!

Security Guard: Your friends think they can hide, huh? I'll teach them a little lesson.
Stevie: They already know... how to make.. six bucks... an hour.
Security Guard: Shut up!

Lois: Daddy'll just kill me if he catches me with one of the field hands.

Stevie: Where is everybody... going?
Reese: They're leaving! This place is closing in 15 minutes!
Malcolm: We would've been here two hours ago if we didn't have to get off the express bus!
Dewey: I had to pee!
Reese: You cost us two hours! Just for that, you don't get to see the Siamese pigs.
Dewey: No!
Stevie: Can we... stop fighting... and start... living?

Man: Ride's closed.
Malcolm: What?! We've still got five minutes!
Man: Not according to my watch.
Reese: Hey, you have to let us ride. This is a county fair. It belongs to the people. I mean, what are our tax dollars paying for, anyway?
Man: The cops, who I'm going to call if you don't get the hell out of here. Ride's closed!
Malcolm: That sucks. He's just picking on us because we're kids and we can't do anything about it.
Reese: I know. This is unfair.
Malcolm: He could've let us through. He just has an attitude problem.
Stevie: What happened... to customer service?

Malcolm: [to camera] I guess I should be scared, but I'm not.
Reese: Fake blood.
Stevie: That's... a zombie?
Dewey: Rubber guts. [ride stops]
Malcolm: [to camera] Okay, if I had paid for this ride, I'd be really pissed.

Reese: Where the hell's the exit? We've been wandering around here for 20 minutes.
Dewey: This place is creepy.
Malcolm: Hey guys, we're right back where we started. This is the car we were riding in. I can feel where Dewey was chewing on it.
Reese: Okay, I think we're out of options. We have to start a fire.
Malcolm: Just calm down. We can find our way out of here. We just need to stay together and hold hands. Reese, give me your hand.
Reese: I thought I was holding your hand.

Malcolm: Lost brother?
Reese: Go for it.
Malcolm: [to security guard] Uh, hi. We're really sorry, but our brother got lost and we kind of got stuck in here after closing. Would you mind unlocking the gate and letting us out? We only live a block away. So, we won't be any more trouble.
Security Guard: [drinks] You think the rules don't apply?
Reese: Excuse me?
Security Guard: My boss finds you pissants sneaking in... it's my ass!
Dewey: Is he mad?
Malcolm: I don't know. He looks a little...
[The boys scream and run away after the guard throws a brick on a chain at a cardboard "You must the this tall to ride" sign]