Reese: Alright, what the hell is going on?
Malcolm: I'm not sure. I think he's feeling guilty about something. Maybe we can exploit it!
Reese: How?
Malcolm: Why don't we send Dewey in there crying about the train set Mom put in the attic.
Reese: Mom didn't put a train set in the attic.
Malcolm: Exactly! When he's up there trying to find it, you and I can go dig up the fireworks.
Reese: Dewey, we need you to cry.
Malcolm: But it's gotta be the right kind of crying. Not sobbing, more of a penetrating whining sound.
Dewey: Give me a moment.

Hal: [to himself] OK, that was a good idea. The boys are happy. I've got them motivated to behave themselves and Lois is gonna see that I can handle them without her. [inner monologue] Are you kidding me? You've gone soft! You've totally lost their respect. Lois isn't gonna like this! [out loud to self] Come on! They're under control. [inner monologue] But what if they aren't? What if they're just pretending to behave so they can set you up? [crashing sound]
Imaginary Hal: You've got to occupy these boys. Keep them so busy they don't have time to get in trouble.
Hal: How am I gonna keep them busy?
Imaginary Hal: Well, you better find a way.

Dewey: [cries]
Malcolm: Dad, Dewey really wants you-
Hal: Boys! Let's spend a little time together. We can... I know! We can do some callisthenics!
Malcolm: What?!
Hal: Come on, you boys love to exercise!
Dewey: But I just ate a ton of ice cream.
Hal: All the more reason... You are starting to get a little flabby. Come on. [chuckles]
Dewey: I'm too full.
Hal: Well, when you start moving you'll feel better! Let's go! One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. One. Two.
[cut to Hal mopping the kitchen floor:]
Hal: Stupid! Stupid! It was a terrible idea!
Imaginary Hal: It was a great idea! A great idea poorly executed.
Imaginary Hal #2: Terrible idea. Terrible execution. Why don't you just lock them in the bathroom until Lois gets home and be done with it?

Lois: That's the third time he drove down that alley! He knows we're in here!
Karen: This is gross! I can't believe I'm wearing open-toed shoes.
Lois: [sobs] I can't believe I'm hiding from the cops in a dumpster! I just wanted to talk about books. Oh, and it was such a good book, too! The foreshadowing was effective without being heavy-handed. The characters were... were flawed but compelling and the entire story was brimming with insight into the human condition!
Karen: But how did you even find time to read it? Your family sounds so horrible!
Lois: [sobs] I was lying! I made all that stuff up so that I would fit in! They're wonderful! I mean, they're idiots! But at least they try. They wanted me to have this night and look what I did with it. [Karen stands up] What are you doing?
Karen: You'll see. Go home to your family and hug them for me. They sound wonderful! Hey, piggy! Over here! Here, piggy, piggy, piggy! Uh. Come on, show me what you got! I'm supposed to be afraid of an electric shaver?!
[As the cops chase Karen down the road, Lois gets out of the dumpster and runs in the opposite direction]
Karen: [buzzing] Aaaaarh!

Imaginary Hal: Ground them!
Imaginary Hal #2: Cut off their food supply!
Imaginary Hal #3: They just need love!
Imaginary Hal #4: Give them the belt! [all jeer]
Imaginary Hal: Make them fear you!
Imaginary Hal #5:These are precious years!
Imaginary Hal #6:Get in the car and go. [all shout at once]
[Hal runs into the kitchen, away from the imaginary Hals]
Hal: Shut up! [the boys turn around] OK, that's it. I am going to take a bath. I'm asking you boys one last time to behave. Not for me but for your mother. After all she does for you, one night of peace shouldn't be too much to ask for. So if you love her, you will do this for her.
[As soon as Hal leaves, the boys run out into the back yard]

Dewey: Fluffy's collar? Mom said he ran away!
Malcolm: Get out of there, Dewey!

Reese: Now?
Malcolm: No, let's let Mom get a few blocks away.
Reese: Right. This could be a trick.
Dewey: What are you guys talking about?
Malcolm: We've got some fireworks buried in the back yard. We're gonna dig them up while Mom's gone.
Reese: Tracy Hines is having a party tomorrow night and we're not invited. Our justice will be swift but fair.

Lois: So, I really liked the book.
Julie: Really? Oh, Karen, let's have some more wine.
Lois: I liked the way the author shifted the voice of the narrator from character to character.
Julie: Oh, I'll just have to take your word on that. I didn't really read the book.
Lois: Oh, was anyone else confused by those flashbacks? [all silent] Am I the only one who read the book?
Karen: Actually, Lois, we don't make it mandatory to read the book.
Lois: What?
Karen: I mean, we're all busy. But that shouldn't prevent us from enjoying a relaxing evening every once in a while.
Julie: Lois, don't you feel you deserve one night away from the bickering, the yelling and the TV blaring? Away from all the stupid little problems that can't seem to be solved without you?
Lois: [holding her wine glass] A little more.

Francis: Thank you! Thank you for stopping!
Roy: I'm glad to. The name's Roy.
Francis: Francis. It's freezing! I've been standing there for six hours! People were flipping me off as they drove by. Why would they do that?
Roy: How far are you going?
Francis: Mamu.
Roy: I'm going to Green River. I can take you almost the whole way.
Francis: Really? It's taken me the last 3 days to get 20 miles! [sobs] Thank you.
Roy: You OK?
Francis: Yeah, it's just people aren't very nice!
Roy: You want some coffee?
Francis: [sobs] Yes!

Francis: And when I was leaving, my Mom and I were yelling and screaming at each other. And she's still finding the time to tell the cab driver which route to take to the bus station. She's a total control freak!
Roy: She sounds like she's afraid.
Francis: What would my mom have to be afraid of?
Roy: Well, she could be afraid if she doesn't control every aspect of her life or the lives of the ones she cares about that horrible things will happen.
Francis: What horrible things?
Roy: Well, maybe her oldest son moving 5,000 miles away from her.
Francis: Alright, you got me there. You're pretty smart.
Roy: Well, I'm on the road 18 hours a day. Gives me a lot of time to think about things, about people, about why they do the things they do. I'm a wannabe psychiatrist.
Francis: Well, I'm just glad to finally be out of there. I've got a line that I'm not going to cross. If anybody tries to push me across it, I'm gone.
Roy: Well, sure, everybody's got a line. But what's interesting is everyone's line is different. Sometimes it moves. Look at your situation right here. It is freezing cold, there's no other cars on the road... Hypothetically, if I said put on a curly red wig or I'll throw you out of the truck, are you really gonna go back out into the cold?
Francis: Yeah, but that's ridiculous! You can't use a silly example like that to prove- [Roy holds a red wig] You're kidding? [Roy pulls over to the side of the road] Okay, okay!