Hal: [opens TV dinner] Salisbury steak, my old friend. [picks up Playboy magazine] Ha-cha. Hello, ladies.

Dewey: Dad? Dad, you alive?
Hal: [screams] The minute I get out of here, you boys are in so much... [drinks Scotch]... trouble!

Reese: Hey, if he's not willing to negotiate, we've got no choice. We're going to have to split up. Okay, I'll meet you in Mexico in five years.
Dewey: Wait a minute. What if we do everything on his "To Do" board and then let him out?
Reese: That's brilliant. He couldn't be mad at us if we did all this for him. He's got stuff on here that he's been meaning to do for years. "Change Dewey's diaper."

Malcolm: The point is... I like her, but she's not exactly what I consider to be... a cute girl.
Lois: Oh, this is going to be a tricky one. Here, hold this. [flicks Malcolm's ear]
Malcolm: Ow.
Lois: What is wrong with you? You're attracted to her, she's attracted to you. The only problem is in your head. Listen, if you try to build relationships on looks, you are in for a world hurt. I mean, take Janet here. Twenty years ago, she married her husband because she thinks he looks like Lee Majors. And today, he's lost all his hair, he's gained 200 pounds, and she is stuck with a blimp who won't even put on his shirt to come to the dinner table. She is reduced to trying to win attention by bringing home a truck. I mean, how sad is that?
Janice: [sobs and puts face in hands] That is what I'm doing, isn't it?
Announcer: There's another one. 36 down. They are dropping like flies, ladies and gentlemen.
Lois: [to her remaining opponents] You see that? That took courage.

Lois: If you are 99% sure you turned your oven off, don't drive yourself crazy. Besides, dogs have an instinct to run away from fire. [man runs away]
Announcer: Well, there was number three. And then they were two. Don't go anywhere, folks, we're going to crown a winner.
Lois: So it's just you and me.
Mabel: All the little children have gone home.
Lois: You have any kids?
Mabel: Four.
Lois: Five.
Mabel: Epidurals?
Lois: Please. You tear?
Mabel: Like an old sock.
Announcer: All right ladies, it's time for another bathroom break. [Lois stretches] You're not taking a break, Mabel?
Mabel: I'm good. [drinks]
Lois: [drinks] Me, too.

Reese: No, we can't let Dad out until we do everything on the list. If Dad's going to act like- [all scream]
Hal: I can explain.
Dewey: Wait a minute. You've been sneaking out the whole time?
Reese: Is that party mix?
Hal: You're damn right it's party mix. This is the only thing that has kept me sane while I was trapped in that hellhole.
Dewey: Then why are you going back?
Hal: I am not on trial here.
Reese: I can't believe he wasn't really trapped. Come on, Dewey, let's go mess up the house.

Hal: Will you look at that? They turned a Soap Town into a Soap And Such.

Announcer: So the person who keeps his or her hand on the vehicle the longest is going to drive out of here in this brand-new truck!
Lois: Oh, Hal, look at that truck. Can you imagine if we could finally get rid of the van?
Hal: That piece of junk's costing us a hundred bucks a month in duct tape alone.
Announcer: All right, the contest is going to begin in ten seconds. If all the contestants are ready, here we go. In seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. And we're off!
Lois: I can't believe we never entered one of these contests before.
Hal: It's going to be a long ride, honey.
[A man in a suit takes his hand off the car to answer his cellphone]
Announcer: We got our first loser.
Hal: [points at the man] Ha! Idiot!
Announcer: Number two.
Hal: Ah, damn it all to hell!

Reese: Oh, my God, Dad's middle management trophy The Middie. We have no choice but to confess and take the punishment. [hands it to Dewey] You're a good brother.
Dewey: Oh, man.

Girl: [to her boyfriend] Say hi to Angela for me. [he walks off]
Lois: So who's Angela?
Girl: She's my best friend. He's helping her move.
Lois: Huh.
Girl: What? No, I am not worried about him and Angela.
Lois: Good for you. I actually met my husband when he helped me move. Boy, there's nothing sexier than a man coming to the rescue. The two of you lug that mattress up the stairs, you get it laid down on the floor in the bedroom. You're both already sweaty. Anyway, I think you're making the right choice. A truck will never let you down.
Girl: I've got to go.
Announcer: Oh, another one out!