Ida: I'm ready to go to the hospital.
Francis: What? You're not going to the hospital.
Ida: I'm not going? You're not going.
Francis: Oh, you want to go to the hospital so bad? I'll send you to the hospital.
Ida: I'll send you to the hospital!

Lloyd: Excuse me, can somebody help me find Malcolm's biochem notes? I need them to do my assignment.
Lois: Get out of here, Lloyd! I'm in labor! I'm about to give birth!
Lloyd: It's a really important assignment.

Malcolm: Here's what we're going to do. There's a class that starts here in ten minutes. It's all about how to be parents to newborn babies. We're going to take it.
Reese: What are you talking about?
Malcolm: We're going to learn how to help out. We're going to learn how to be good for once.
Dewey: All right!
Reese: Yeah, this baby's not going to get dropped on its head all the time.
Dewey: Yeah! What?

Piama: Here, I brought some towels to put under your knees.
Lois: Oh, Piama, don't use the good towels.
Ida: What does she know about towels? Her people dried themselves off by throwing dirt on their backs.
Lois: Thank you, Piama. Thank you very much.

Ida: I'm sure the paramedics will come get you very soon, and before they do, there's something I want you to know. Your father had a second family.
Lois: What?!
Ida: This slutty cocktail waitress in Manitoba. She was nothing but a pig, and the children that came out of her...
Lois: Why are you telling me this now?
Ida: In case you die, I don't want you thinking of him as a decent man. But don't tell your sister. Let her stew in her own ignorance. I only tell this to my favorite.

Lois: [loud hammering] What are you doing?
Francis: Building calms me down, okay? We're all trying to find ways to cope with this.
Lois: Yes, Francis, I'm trying to cope with this pregnancy by giving birth!
Lloyd: Excuse me. I'm working quietly. I'd appreciate it if you could work quietly, too.

Reese: My biggest fear is that I won't be a good big brother. Babies are born stupid and they're really counting on you. They'll touch stuff they shouldn't. They'll eat anything. I'd say half of all our Legos have been through this kid.
Dewey: Probably more.
Reese: [head falls off doll] Can I get a new baby?

Francis: [o.s.] [screaming]
Piama: [o.s.] Lois, let go! Or at least grab his hand!

Dewey: We're gonna be the best big brothers ever. We aced diapering and we totally owned tub time.
Reese: I'm so glad I memorized all the common household chemicals that can be poisonous to the baby.
Malcolm: You know, all this stuff parents have to do. All the feedings and bathings and diaperings and safety stuff and scheduling... Just made me realize, Mom never did any of this.
Reese: There's a bottle of this on our headboard.
Dewey: No wonder we turned out the way we did.

Lois: Francis, this baby's going to be born any minute. I want you to do something for me.
Francis: What do you want me to do?
Lois: I want you to deliver the baby.
Francis: What? No.
Lois: You can do it. You've done it before. You deliver barn animals all the time.
Francis: You're not a barn animal.
Lois: Francis, your father isn't here; you're the only person I trust.
Francis: You don't even like me.
Lois: But I love you, which is why you're going to do this.
Francis: No! You can't make me!
Piama: Francis, your mother is asking for your help.
Lois: Francis. You can do this. You know that you can. Now, you're going to put your hands inside of Mommy and take out this baby!