Malcolm in the Middle Quotes

Malcolm in the Middle

Malcolm in the Middle

As if coping with his dysfunctional family wasn't difficult enough for boy genius Malcolm, his social life is turned upside down when he's sent to the gifted class at school. At home, Malcolm battles with his no-nonsense mother, Lois. Malcolm's father, Hal, is a loving dad who's stuck in a dead-end corporate job. Malcolm is at turns getting into trouble or on the receiving end of it from his cruel older brother, Reese. Both Malcolm and Reese are fond of tormenting their curious younger brother, Dewey. And of course Malcolm's favorite brother, Francis, was sent off to military school.

Starring: Frankie Muniz, Jane Kaczmarek, Bryan Cranston, Christopher Kennedy Masterson, Justin Berfield, Erik Per Sullivan, Craig Lamar Traylor, David Anthony Higgins.
Recurring Actors: Emy Coligado, Cloris Leachman, Gary Anthony Williams, Daniel von Bargen, Chris Eigeman, Kenneth Mars, Meagen Fay, Evan Matthew Cohen, Kyle Sullivan, Tania Raymonde, Hayden Panettiere.
Original Run: 2000-2006.

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Quote from Hal in Burning Man

Lois: I still can't believe Mr. Barnes let you borrow his fancy RV. This is so classy. This is like Buckingham Palace on wheels.
Hal: He ripped one on the elevator just before the CEO got on, and I took the blame for it. That's the way things work in the corporate world.
Lois: You're unselfish, and it paid off.

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Quote from Hal in Blackout

Hal: I have Kobe beef.
Reese: No way.
Hal: Yes!
Reese: That's like $60 an ounce.
Hal: I know. I won it in a Minesweeper tournament at work. Years of practicing eight hours a day has finally paid off.

Quote from Dewey in Goodbye Kitty

Dewey: Mom, I have a proposal for you. Now, before you start poking holes in it, I'd like you to hear me out. All I want is no more school and no more big boy clothes. I'd liked to be bathed and rocked before I go to sleep and have all my food mashed up. In return, I'll be adorable and...
Lois: Are you wearing a diaper?
Dewey: I want you to know my level of commitment. [clenches face]
Lois: [o.s.] Oh, my God!

Quote from Reese in Baby: Part 2

Fran: When your milk duct is blocked, it's called mastitis. It's important that you let your baby suck the obstruction out of the breast, and don't be alarmed if the baby then vomits up a cottage cheese-type substance. Now, join me over here...
Dewey: Like I needed another reason to hate cottage cheese.
Reese: I've been kind of zoning in and out here, but did she just say milk comes out of those things?
Malcolm: Reese, that's what they're for.
Reese: My God! Women are the cows of people!

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Quote from Hal in Rollerskates

Hal: Malcolm, where have you been? You got to get in on this.
Malcolm: Dad... I want skating lessons.
Hal: Son, do you know, once you start there's no going back?
Malcolm: I know.
Hal: This means total commitment. Once you begin the path, there is no leaving the path. Are you sure you're ready for that? I mean really ready?
Malcolm: I-I guess so.
Hal: Neat. We'll start tomorrow. Come on, dig in before they harden.

Quote from Malcolm in Halloween

Hal: Shouldn't you be in bed?
Malcolm: I got sick of lying there, so I thought I'd look on the Internet for stuff about the murders. I got police reports, crime photos, newspaper articles... There's a ton of stuff.
Hal: Really?
Malcolm: The guy's name was Gareth Stringer. Normal guy, Scout master, everybody loved him. So, one day, out of nowhere, he comes home from work and murders his entire family. They say he lived here with five headless bodies for a week before he finally killed himself.
Hal: For a whole week, huh?
Malcolm: That's where the wife's body was found. [Hal whimpers and moves] He put all the tongues in a pile right there. [Hal moves every time Malcolm points to another location] So I guess that must have been skin wall. And that was hair corner. Over there were... finger puppets?! Oh, finger puppets. Wow, the really freaky stuff happened in the kitchen. Oh, and in the bathroom and the bedrooms, too.
Hal: Malcolm, is there any place in this house where bloody pieces of dismembered bodies weren't found?
Malcolm: Well... Yes. Right there.
Hal: Right here?
Malcolm: That's where they all begged for mercy. [Hal whimpers]

Quote from Hal in Softball

Hal: Boys, I found the beer you hid in the garage. After all our talks about drinking, you still think it's cool?! Well, it's not! Now, sit down and watch! Look at me! [opens can] I'm Mr. Cool. [drinks beer] Mmm! Everybody digs my scene.
[later:]
Hal: I'm the grooviest dude who was ever grooved on.
[later:]
Hal: [weepy] I just love you boys so much. Who wants a hug?
[later:]
Hal: [sings] Turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so
Reese: Took him long enough to find that beer.
Malcolm: Yeah, but it was so worth the wait.