Dewey: Hey, guys, I was digging around in the garage, and I found the spare key to Dad's car!
Malcolm: Do you know what this means?
Reese: We can key stuff!
Malcolm: No, we have mobility. We can drive over to the next city.
Reese: And key stuff there!
Malcolm: And key stuff there, and cherry-bomb stuff there. Reese, we have access to a car with no adult supervision. We can do whatever we want, and if we get caught? They'd blame Mom and Dad for being absentee parents. This is the perfect crime.

Dewey: I was thinking we could drive to the arcade.
Reese: Arcade? What are you, 12?
Dewey: Yeah.
Reese: Dewey, get out of the way. Malcolm and I have to plan some pain.
Malcolm: What about South High? I think their band practice starts in two hours.
Reese: Perfect. I still have some connections at the slaughterhouse. One phone call, and I got a trunkful of pig's blood.

Malcolm: Okay, we have 12 hours and eight gallons of gas. This is our radius of destruction.
Reese: So much to do, so little time. What about my old 4th grade teacher?
Malcolm: If we get Mr. Bradshaw, then we can't moon the girls' school.
Reese: No, the mooning is a definite. For you to even suggest that makes me really question your commitment.
Malcolm: Well, if I give you Bradshaw, then I can't do donuts on the lawn of my old basketball coach.
Dewey: What about the arcade?
Reese: Not now, Dewey. All right, I'll give you the donuts.
Malcolm: Great.
Reese: So which way are we leaning on the whole cat show situation?
Malcolm: If you get me that coyote, then I'll get you to the cat show.
Dewey: The arcade is on the way to the cat show.
Malcolm: Out!
Reese: Hey, are we peeing in the mailbox on Fifth, or aren't we? I've already drank three of these. Do not embarrass me out there.

Malcolm: All right, do you think you could work your boy over in the back seat of the car?
Reese: What are you getting at?
Malcolm: After we push over those gravestones, we can pick up the lab partner. By the time you're done with him, we're at the promenade, where we do our pedestrian-only drive through. Then it's a straight shot down old folks' health walk.
Reese: A quick streak, and dude we're done!
Malcolm: Yeah!

Reese: All right, we have to get going. We need the car key.
Dewey: Are we going to the arcade?
Malcolm: We already told you we don't have time for that, Dewey.
Dewey: You know something? I don't remember where I put it.
Reese: Stupid! How could you misplace it?! Wait a minute he's lying.
Malcolm: Dewey, give us the key now!
Dewey: Nope.
Reese: All right, Dewey, we can either do this the easy- [Dewey punches Reese in the groin and runs off] No fair. That's just what I was going to do.

Malcolm: Come on, this is your day.
Dewey: I would really love a piggy-back ride around the neighborhood.
Reese: I'll get my shoes.
Dewey: Guys, this is fantastic. I really think we've healed a lot of wounds today.
Malcolm: Really? That's great, Dewey. You know, I was thinking, you're full you're relaxed, you're watching your favorite TV show... Do you think we could have that, uh, car key now?
Dewey: You know something? You guys have earned it. You really have. And I wish I could give it to you.
Malcolm: What do you mean?
Dewey: You guys threw me a curve ball. I had no idea it was going to go this way. Bravo. But I swallowed it.
Reese: What?!
Dewey: I know. It was foolish and spiteful, but this was before we reconnected. Hey, is there any more of this shake left?

Lois: Unbelievable! You invite me up here for a celebration, and instead, you blindside me?! You told complete strangers that I'm a monster!
Francis: Mom, I acknowledge your anger.
Lois: Well, get ready to acknowledge a lot more! Oh, you "forgive me," Francis? Do you forgive me for twenty-seven hours of labor? For staying up all night with you when you were sick with a 105-degree temperature?! For the thousands of hours I spent trying to get you to do your homework?!
Francis: Yes, Mom, I forgive you.
Lois: So it's all my fault that your life is messed up and you're an alcoholic?! I'm the source of everything wrong with your life?!
Francis: Mom, I'd love to get into this, but we don't talk about these things outside the meeting.
Lois: Well, get your coat. We're going back.

Dewey: Just admit it, guys: You've been beat.
Reese: Are you kidding? Now that we know where the key is, it's only a matter of time.
Malcolm: Here's Grandma's special cereal
Reese: That stuff is so powerful, she had to eat it in the bathroom. The recoil is going to put you through the ceiling, little man. I don't know why we're going through all this trouble. I had a much faster way to do this.
Malcolm: We're not cutting him open, Reese. This will still work out. We just have to adjust the destruction list. The way I look at it, we have to skip paint ballooning the Tai-chi group, the charity 10K won't get its phony route markers, and I'm afraid planting the porn magazines in the feminist bookstore will have to wait till another time.
Reese: [shouts at Dewey] It's like you're killing my children!

Francis: You know, maybe Mom was right. I was blaming her and the alcohol for my problems when the real problem was always right in front of me...
Piama: Me?!
Francis: Yes, you. Who else could it be? Why didn't you tell me I wasn't an alcoholic?!
Piama: How am I supposed to know?! You seemed messed up to me.
Francis: You made me look like an idiot!
Piama: Well, that wasn't hard to do.
Francis: Was that an insult?!

Francis: It's humble, but it's home. Actually, they just walled off a bedroom from the apartment next door... but anyway, it's home.
Hal: Uh, you know, Francis, your mother and I passed a motel on the way here...
Francis: Nonsense. I won't have my parents staying at some motel. You can sleep here.
Hal: On the rug?
Francis: It's a futon. Believe it or not, someone was actually going to throw that away.
Hal: You know, my back...
Lois: Hal, let him do this.
Hal: All righty, we'll stay.