Hal: And none of your drunk friends could help you out on this, huh?
Francis: Not at all. Oh, and don't worry, the bank already ran your credit. It's horrible, but all that means is they just crank up the interest rate.
Lois: In what world would you think we would sign that?
Hal: Honey, come here. Let's hear the boy out. You heard him; he needs us.
Lois: Hal, I'm not going to sign anything. We're in enough debt as it is.
Hal: Lois.
Francis: I hate to do this, but can we talk about this later? We really got to get to my A.A. party.
Hal: Of course! I got to tell you, son, I am drunk as a skunk with pride right now.

Francis: Crash, I'd like you to meet my dad.
Hal: Hello.
Crash: [hugs Hal] Stay strong, brother.
Hal: Okay.
Francis: And this is my mother.
Crash: She's real?
Lois: Excuse me?
Crash: It's... I thought... I don't know what I thought. I'm sorry. Excuse me. [runs away]
Lois: What was that all about? [Hal mimes drinking]

Malcolm: That was our last worm!
Reese: It's no use; he's immune.
Malcolm: It's our own fault we've been torturing him since Mom brought him home from the hospital.
Reese: Remember when he was a baby? I could make him cry, just like that. Now we're stuck with this.
[When Reese puts dirt in Dewey's mouth, he chews it without complaint]

Speaker #1: We've all come a long way, but we still have a long way to go. None of us could have gotten to where we are today if it wasn't for everyone here. But there is one man that I would especially like to thank. Francis! Francis, your honesty has really helped me through this. I went through life feeling pretty sorry for myself. Thinking that I was brutalized and abused, but then I heard your horror stories and I realized that my junkie abusive mom wasn't that bad at all. Oh, sure, she beat me, she left me in that dumpster, and all but she was a saint compared to "L." I don't know how you survived it, man, but I thank God you did. [applause]
Lois: "L"?! Hal, can you believe this?
Hal: [sobbing] They are so open here. It's just so raw! It's beautiful.

Hal: Uh, Lois, let's not ruin Francis' special day.
Lois: Why not? Apparently, I've ruined everything else!
Hal: What's past is past.
Lois: "What's past is past"?! So you think this is all my fault, too?!
Hal: Can we discuss this in the other room?
Lois: There is no other room!

Malcolm: Nothing yet.
Reese: I wish there was something I could do. I feel so helpless.
Malcolm: Just think good thoughts. [closes door] [o.s.] Reese, quick, the colander!

Reese: Where do we start?
Malcolm: I guess you just go for it. [car starts] [horn honks] Dewey! He had the key all along!
Reese: No! That little...!
Malcolm: What are you doing?
Reese: There could be a spare.

Francis: At least you support me, right, Dad?
Hal: You know, I thought I did, son, but then I realized I was just doing it for all the wrong reasons. I was just trying to buy your love. [rips up paperwork] See you on your real birthday, son.