Lily: [answers phone] Hello.
Robin: Bring me a razor.
Lily: What about the no-shave rule? What happened to your convictions?
Robin: They've been surgically removed by Dr. Awesome.
Lily: No, I'm not doing it. The whole point to not shaving...
Robin: Lily, please, he's really cute and I really like him. And he's got a British accent.
Lily: I'm on my way.

Barney: [on the phone] All right, Ted, if you're about to go for the belt, then the bylaws require me to ask the following questions. One, is the aggregate age of all the participants under 83?
Ted: Yes.
Barney: Two, is the aggregate weight of all participants under 400 pounds.
Ted: Yes.
Barney: Theodore Mosby, are you paying these women?
Ted: What? No.
Barney: Ted?
Ted: No. Look, I gotta go. They're gonna think I inherited my dad's imaginary bathroom issues.

Ted: Oh, are you guys leaving?
Rachel: Well, it is getting pretty late.
Ted: Right, well...
Trudy: I thought maybe we could all go and listen to that Wilco CD you talked about before.
Ted: Great, I have it right upstairs. It's in my apartment upstairs. Let's so upstairs.
Rachel: I'm sorry, where was your apartment again?
Ted: That's funny. I love that. You should tell more jokes at my apartment upstairs.

Lily: [answers phone] Hello.
Robin: Lily, I have pounded three cappuccinos waiting for you. Pretty soon I won't have to shave, the hair is going to vibrate off my legs.
Lily: Sorry, I can't leave now.
Robin: Lily, he can't see my legs like this. I look like a Turkish lesbian.

Barney: Oh, hold on. Ted's texting me. "We're combing up sars".
Marshall: We're combing up sars? What does that mean?
Lily: It means they're coming upstairs!

Ted: What are you guys doing here? I've got, I've got...
Lily: We know, we know, Ted. Well done, this is very impressive. Up top. [Lily and Ted high five]
Marshall: Yeah bro, up top. [raises his hand for a high five]
Lily: Oh, don't be gross.

Ted: You guys need to get out of here right now. Please, take the fire escape.
Marshall: No, no way. The other day I saw a pigeon take a crap on it and the whole thing shifted.

Marshall: But Barney, you've done way dirtier stuff than Ted. You're disgusting.
Barney: I've never ridden the tricycle. I was on the verge last year, it was so close.
[flashback to Barney in a living room with two women:]
Barney: So, ladies, why don't we move this party to a more horizontal location?
[Barney leans closer to the blonde woman and accidentally knocks over wine glass]
Blonde Woman: Oh my God. My new carpet. Oh my God, this is a disaster, You get the carpet cleaner, I'll get a towel.
Brunette Woman: OK.
Barney: I'll get the video camera.
Blonde Woman: Get out!

Ted: Let me get this straight. You're gonna trike block me? That is so petty. It's like you're...
Marshall: Tom Petty.
Ted: Tom Petty. You're Tom Petty.

Lily: I cannot give up my bedroom to a boot thief. She should be punished, not rewarded.
Ted: Fine, then I'll try to work in a little light spanking. Just do this for me.
Lily: No, never.
Ted: What if I reimburse you for the boots, full retail?
Lily: Thanks, enjoy our bedroom.