Lily: Oh, that must be the broker. Marshall, will you get it?
Marshall: Sure. Of course.
Kids: Trick or treat!
Marshall: Oh, my gosh. How cute! I'm sorry, we don't have any candy. Um, we forgot about trick-or-treaters. We don't get any where we live.
Lily: Yup. Only get this kind of cuteness in the suburbs. Oh. Look at how sweet and happy and unarmed they all are!

Barney: Sounds delicious. In theory. But you never know until you taste it. Ted, have you tasted her Tootsie Roll?

Ted: Just no part of it felt right. At first there was too much eye contact, then not enough. Where do you look during sex?
Barney: Um, into the hidden camera at future me watching it.

Robin: Okay. Wait. How does saying "I want to break up with you" lead into sex?
Ted: I didn't say "I want to break up with you," exactly.
Robin: What did you say, exactly?
Ted: "I love you."
Barney: [as Punchy] Classic Schmosby.

Lily: Marshall, this house wants you so bad. "Mow my lawn." "Rake my leaves." "Winterize my pipes."
Marshall: Yes! Yes! I'm coming... to terms with this decision!

Marshall: Lily.
Lily: Yeah?
Marshall: You just gave those children a stapler, a pair of sharp scissors, and a pretty decent Pinot Noir.
Lily: I did? Oh, my God. [sobbing] I'm going to miss that stapler so much. I'm not doing so great, am I?
Marshall: Maybe not.
Lily: We shouldn't make any huge life decisions right now, should we?
Marshall: Hey, look, I love you and I-I love the idea of raising our kids with a lawn and a white picket fence, but we have our whole lives to decide when and if we want to do that.
Lily: Do what?
Marshall: Let's get you home.

[As an egg is thrown at the front door:]
Marshall: Ooh.
Kid: [o.s.] That's for the stapler!
Lily: I hate the suburbs.

Naomi: Ted, I've been looking for the Hot Hanging Chad for the last nine Halloweens. I've waded through a sweaty parade of Big Lebowskis, Harry Potters, Antoine Dodsons, and that jackass who always dresses as laundry.
Ted: Oh, I hate that guy.
Naomi: That's why, once I finally found you, it was hard to let you go. Good-bye, Ted. Let's just not touch ever again.
Ted: Probably a good idea, yeah.

Lily: Anyway, I'm gonna call a real estate broker to come look at the house tomorrow. Oh, by the way, I ordered those Minnesota Vikings drapes. You're right, they're totally gonna class up our apartment.
Marshall: [to Robin] Okay, yes. It's wrong to bang a drunk chick. But you're an idiot if you don't get, like, a little something.