Marshall: [to the woman] What's the matter, four-eyes, you got astigmatism or something? I'm sorry, I was trying to be playful but I just got out of a long relationship. I have no idea what I'm doing! I'm Marshall.
Woman: Hi, Marshall. Amy. Don't worry, I've been there. Hold on.
Barney: Nice recovery. I think it's working.

Barney: All right, I'm sorry. But I will make it up to you. Tonight, we'll go to a college bar near NYU. The Scorpion & The Toad. I figure in a younger crowd you'll seem more mature, more worldly. And, as a third-year law student, more smarter.
Marshall: OK, but no magic. [Marshall turns around to see Barney has gone] How did you do that?
Barney: I'm taking a leak, dumbass.

Ted: She's miserable. She's realized she's made a huge mistake. Her and Marshall will be back together in a week, I love it!
Robin: No, you just want Lily to be miserable. The truth is she's happy.
Ted: Trust me. I've known Lily for nine years.
Robin: Trust me, I'm a girl!
Ted: Yeah. But you're Canadian.
Robin: Why do you always have to bring that up?
Ted: You're our weird neighbors!
Robin: You bring it up every time and it has nothing to do with it.

Marshall: Whoo! I did it! I got a girl's phone number! Oh, and her handwriting is so cute. Look. I'll take her out for Chinese food and then we'll walk through the park. It'll be so... What?
Barney: Sorry. buddy. I'm taking this one too.
Marshall: [choking Barney] I'll kill you!

Lily: I didn't get it. That first apartment. I... I waited too long and somebody else got it. [starts crying]
Ted: Interesting. Wow Lily, you, uh, seem to be having a pretty strong reaction to losing this apartment. I wonder is it because it reminds you of something you lost because you couldn't commit?
Robin: No, Lily you're crying over the crown-molding and the real hardwood floor. There's no deeper meaning, right, Lily? Just quit crying and tell him.
Lily: The apartment is a metaphor for Marshall!
[Robin gives Ted his five dollars back]

Waiter: Morning guys, what can I get you?
Lily: Shh! Bring me the dirtiest, greasiest tuna melt you got. And a milkshake.
Waiter: For you, sir?
Ted: Gravy.
Waiter: You want that gravy on something?
Ted: Surprise me.
Robin: I'd take you with gravy if my boyfriend wasn't sitting right here! Just kidding. I'm good.

[flashback to Lily's art class in San Francisco:]
Art Teacher: Oh, my God. This is your best work. In all my years teaching, I've never seen anything so... Needless to say, this is art! I can't teach you anything.

Lily: But the best part of SF - oh that's what we call San Francisco - the people. Even just riding around on the bus all summer, it was like a human tapestry.
[flashback to a bus in San Francisco:]
Mike: Hi, I'm Mike. I'm a Buddhist monk slash adventure writer travel.
[another bus:]
Paula: I'm Paula. I sing in a punk band for children. Yeah!
[another bus:]
Dan: I'm Dan. I'm a neurosurgeon. You are stunning, by the way.

Lily: It was such an awful summer! I just wanted to get back here and see him.
Ted: But I thought your summer was great?!
Lily: Not exactly...
[flashback to art class in San Francisco:]
Man: Oh my God! This is your best work?! In all my years teaching I've never seen something so... needless. To say this is art... I can't teach you anything.

Ted: So all those interesting people you met on the bus...?
Lily: Yeah, um...
[flashback to San Francisco:]
Mike: I'm Mike. I'm a Buddhist monk slash adventure writer travel. I'm Paula. I sing in a punk band for children. Hey, I'm Dan. I'm a neurosurgeon. You are stunning, by the way.