Barney: How are you doing?
Marshall: Great. Amazing. This is so much fun. Me and the girl are really clicking.
Barney: You are. You definitely are. Listen, you're gonna have to leave now. I just talked with the twins and, get this, I'm going home with both of them! Yeah. That's happening.
Marshall: It is impossible that you're doing this to me again.
Barney: But they're twins.
Marshall: You said to me that being single would be like being in a candy store.
Barney: Well, it's not like a candy store. It's a lawless, post-apocalyptic wasteland. I may be your best friend...
Marshall: Actually, Ted's my best friend.
Barney: ...but in this world it's every hombre for himself. That's what being single is. And after nine years of captivity, that is the single greatest lesson I can teach you about surviving in the wild. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have two unique breasts and two duplicates waiting for me.

Barney: Let's review Barney's rules for mating without dating. Lesson two: corollary five.
Marshall: Make a beautiful woman feel self-conscious and unattractive and she'll be putty in your hands.
Barney: Excellent. Have you chosen your entrée?
Marshall: I have. A sweet brunette, eight o'clock. Nine o'clock. Ten... thirty. She's walking to the bar.
Barney: Her? Really? No, you're right. Ambition is the enemy of success. OK, hit it.

Lily: I never got in touch because I was too embarrassed. I screwed everything up. I have no job, no place to live. I lost the love of my life. Look, I know I have no right to ask this but do you think Marshall would take me back?
Ted: In a heartbeat. If you called him up, yeah, he'd take you back with open arms.
Lily: Wow. So, maybe I should call him?
Ted: Maybe? No! This is... Ow! Hold on. Look. If you're gonna go back to him, I don't wanna hear the word "maybe". "Maybe" cannot be in your vocabulary. This break-up almost killed him. And he cannot go through it again. So, unless you're absolutely certain, stay the hell away from him.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Marshall and Lily had been together for nine wonderful years until she dumped him and ran off to San Francisco. The healing process was taking a long time. Then, one night he made a giant leap forward.
Robin: Alright, see you guys later.
Ted: I'll walk you out.
Marshall: See ya.
Barney: You just checked out Robin's ass.
Marshall: What? No. I... Barney, I was...
Barney: Dude, that's awesome! You're finally forgetting about that short redhead.
Marshall: Lily.
Barney: Yes, Lily, thank you. That was gonna drive me crazy all night.

Barney: Hey, Ted! Marshall's just checked out your girlfriend's ass.
Marshall: I did not Ted...
Ted: That's awesome! You're finally getting better.
Barney: This is the moment I've been waiting for. Starting tonight, I'm gonna teach you how to live. Ted, you had your chance, you're out, Marshall's in.

Ted: [on the phone with Robin] Hey Robin. Marshall checked out your ass.
Marshall: Ted, what is wrong with you?
Robin: He checked out my ass? Hey, tell him thanks. I felt like I was having a bad ass day. Cool. See ya.
[Robin reaches her apartment]
Robin: Lily.
Lily: It is a great ass.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Meanwhile, Barney was taking Marshall out to meet women for the first time since he was 17.
Barney: Hi. Have you met Marshall?

Robin: You've gotta hear this.
Ted: You will not believe what just happened.
Robin: You go first.
Ted: I found a 1939 penny on the subway. Just imagine the kind of history this little copper guy's seen...
Robin: Lily is back in town.
Ted: And you let me go first?!

Robin: I actually went apartment hunting with her today.
Ted: How is she doing?
Robin: You're not gonna like it.
[flashback:]
Lily: I am doing great. This summer, best thing ever. San Francisco is so happening right now.
[back:]
Ted: She's happy? Marshall had the worst summer of his life and she's happy. And I suppose her art program was fulfilling or whatever.
[flashback:]
Lily: Oh, the art program, best thing ever.

Ted: God! After what she did to Marshall, she should come back here devastated. Crawling over the broken glass of her own shame and regret.
Robin: You never chose sides. I respect that.
Ted: She's unbelievable! Unbelievable!