Ted: For those of you keeping score, "The Ted Mosby" works.

Robin: It's okay. It's been tough on me, too. I mean, look at me. I've sworn off relationships.
Marshall: She's so about to get married.
Ted: I gotta work on my toast.
Marshall: I gotta make sure my tux fits.
Robin: I will bang your heads together like coconuts.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, the secret to dating is very simple: be confident, be comfortable in your skin, be assured of who you are. Barney was really good at that last one, even though a lot of the time who he was was someone else.
[Barney is wearing SCUBA gear at MacLaren's]
Lily: Hi. Do you see that guy over there in the scuba suit? You thinking of going and talking to him?
Claire: No.
Lily: Good. He's seriously the biggest jerk on the face of the earth.
Claire: How do you know him?
Lily: Oh, he's one of my best friends.
Claire: So what's with the scuba suit?
Lily: Well, it's a long story. He just went through a breakup...

Marshall: Wow. You wrote another book? We got a... Stephen King over here.

Marshall: So, how about you, Robin? You getting back out there? Where is your Playbook?
Robin: My Playbook? Bro, two-volume set, right here. [points to her breasts]
Ted: It's a great read actually.
Lily: Yeah, I'm reading it right now.

Ted: I'd love to have no interest in a relationship. There's no way I'd be single right now if I wanted to be single.
Lily: Okay, now you're ready.
Ted: Ready for what?
Lily: Three years ago, this girl Shelly started teaching at my school. The moment I saw her, I was like, "this is the girl for Ted."
Ted: Why am I just hearing about her now?
[flashback to Lily and Shelly entering MacLaren's three years earlier:]
Shelly: You know, I usually hate being set up but this Ted just sounds so great.
Lily: Oh, he is. He's so sweet and thoughtful and intelligent.
[Ted has a mouth full of chicken fingers as Marshall eggs him on]
Marshall: Come on, buddy! One more chicken finger and the crown is yours!
Lily: I don't see him anywhere. He must be out doing charity work. So, different bar?
Ted: [mouth full] That girl with Lily's pretty cute!

Ted: Yeah, she was cute.
Lily: Yeah, still is. And now you're ready.
Marshall: Bro, now you can fit like, three times as many chicken fingers in your mouth.
Ted: You know it.

Lily: Barney, I've had Shelly set aside for Ted for three years.
Barney: Dude, Ted was not missing out. She's brainy and annoying, kind of boring in the sack. I guess she would've been perfect for Ted. Oops. Okay, had I known that she was there to meet Ted, of course I wouldn't have done it. But, given the circumstances, I think Ted'll be proud of me. I pulled off "the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn."

Lily: Can you believe that? He blames me! Oh, and by the way, Ted, I bet she'd still go out with you.
Ted: Hmm. Let me think. Do I want to go out with a girl Barney hooked up with? Guys, help me out with the harmonies.
Ted: Hell no...
Robin: Hell no...
Marshall: Hell no...
Claire: Hell no.

Robin: I'm going to go get the paper.
Ted: More like, go get a husband.
Marshall: Totally.
Robin: You guys need to stop that, seriously. The last thing I am looking for right now is a relationship.
Ted: When you pick up newspaper, be sure to check the wedding announcements. For yours.