Barney: It's all in here. Everything from basic moves like "the don't drink that."
[flashback to Barney at MacLaren's rushing over to a woman at the bar:]
Barney: Whoa, don't drink that. I saw some guy slip something in there.
Woman: What? Who?
Barney: Uh, that guy. [points to Ted, at the other end of the bar, who is then tackled by the barman]
Woman: Thank you.
[Barney winks to camera]

Ted: You're gonna fall in love.
Marshall: So soon.
Robin: Not likely. I'm focusing on my career. I'm done with dating.
Ted: Oh, okay, we playing the pyramid? "Things people say right before they meet the love of their life."
Marshall: Boom. Kelly Harris, girl I went to law school with said... "Hey, law school's so hard, I just want to focus on my studies." Six months later? Married!
Ted: Travis Frenchroy, backup bartender tells me... "I'm so over the whole dating game. I just want to focus
on my Star Trek fan fiction." Six months later... Married!
Robin: May I respond? While that's all well and good for...
Marshall: Matthew Blitz, accountant at my office says... "Aw, I'm gonna die single and alone. I might as well just focus on this year's taxes." Six months later? City union and planning to get married pending the passage of legislation currently on the floor of the NY state senate.
Ted: Protest all you want, but it's gonna happen. It's a law of nature.
Marshall: Lawyered. Of nature.

Shelly: I know. I'm sorry, I feel terrible.
Lily: You should feel terrible!
Shelly: I do feel terrible! I do!
Lily: You should!
Shelly: I do, I do!
Lily: You should! You should!
Shelly: I don't. Look, I was really looking forward to meeting Ted, but I got to the bar an hour early and I met this amazing guy. Like, seriously amazing.
Lily: And you met him at MacLaren's?
Shelly: Yeah, right at the bar.
Lily: What's his name?
Shelly: I shouldn't say. Oh, what the heck. It's Lorenzo Von Matterhorn!
[cut to Lily at Barney's apartment:]
Lily: You son of a bitch.

Lily: That's awful. You realize you broke her heart, right? She's inconsolable.
Barney: Why would she be inconsolable? Lorenzo's balloon won't disappear over the arctic for another week. She would be upset only if someone told her it was a bunch of lies.
[flashback to Lily and Shelly talking at work:]
Shelly: It was all just a bunch of lies?
Lily: It was all just a bunch of lies.
Shelly: The balloon expedition?
Lily: Lies!
Shelly: The man-made island shaped like his face off the coast of Dubai?
Lily: Lies!
Shelly: Finishing 3 in laser tag competion?
Lily: Li... Actually, that one's true. I went to that.
Shelly: You went to the Vatican?
Lily: Lies!

Barney: Oh, my God! Well, I hope you're happy with yourself.
Lily: What?
Barney: You broke that girl's heart.
Lily: Me?
Barney: You! She'll probably never trust a guy again. You ruined her for Ted. Not to mention Julio Von Matterhorn, Lorenzo's twin brother.

Barney: Now, if you don't mind, I'm off to prepare for tonight's main event. I will be performing "the he's not coming". Glad you asked.
[title card: "The He's Not Coming". flashback to Barney on the observation deck of the Empire State Building:]
Barney: [v.o.] To perform "The He's Not Coming", here's what you'll need, the observation deck of the Empire State Building. Are you up there? Good. For generations, this has been the spot New Yorkers have chosen for their romantic reunions with long-estranged lovers, so all you have to do is walk up to every girl you see and say...
Barney: He's not coming.
Woman #1: What are you talking about?
Barney: Never mind. [to another woman] He's not coming. [Barney gives up when she doesn't respond] [to a third woman] He's not coming. She's not coming? Sorry.
Barney: [v.o.] Until sooner or later...
Barney: He's not coming.
Woman #4: He's not? But we agreed. We always said we'd meet here. On this night. I'm such a fool.
[Barney winks to camera]

Marshall: Robin, it's like this. Do you have any idea how many times I've gone to the freezer looking for frozen waffles and not found them?
Robin: Thousands?
Marshall: Millions. But when I go to the freezer looking for a popsicle... Or the remote control because we are having a fight and she's hidden it there... You know what I find? Frozen waffles. That's how it works. You go out there looking for a paper, you're coming back with frozen waffles. And, in this case, frozen waffles is a guy. Also, could you pick up some frozen waffles? In that case, frozen waffles... are frozen waffles.

Barney: So, we get up to my place, and I go into my room to set up the camera... To light the candles... And when I come out, she's gone, and so is The Playbook! I think we all know who is responsible for this.
Lily: Yeah, we do.
Barney: Yeah. Al-Qaeda.
Lily: No, you idiot. It was me.
Barney: You son of a bitch.

Barney: An actress. Of course. That explains her impeccable diction and her sluttiness.
Lily: Barney, I've got half a mind to take that playbook and put it up on the internet for the whole world to see.
Barney: You wouldn't.
Lily: I won't, as long as you agree to no more scams, no more cons, no more hustles, no more hoodwinks, no more gambits, no more stratagems and no more bamboozles.
Barney: I notice you left out flimflams.
Lily: No flimflams!
Barney: Damn it.

Robin: Oh, my God. I'm sorry to interrupt, but look at this.
Ted: No.
[title card: "The Ted Mosby". flash to Barney at MacLaren's in a flannel shirt talking to a woman at the bar:]
Barney: I got left at the altar.
[Barney winks to camera. present:]
Ted: Oh, my god, that's horrible. I wonder if that would work.