Barney Quote #1447
Lily: Peppermint schnapps?
Robin: No! Peppermint schnapps turns Barney into Richard Dawson.
Robin: The crazy old host of Family Feud who greeted women by kissing them on the mouth.
[flashback to Barney at MacLaren's kissing every woman he sees:]
Barney: Hey there, darlin'. How you doin'? Hi. Is this your sister? Mmm, mmm. Beautiful! Mmm. Mmm.
Ted: Hey, where are our chicken wings?
Barney: Show me "chicken wings"!
All: Ah! Good order, Ted!
Quote from Ted
Zoey: Ted! Ted! What is that?
Ted: Oh, my God! It's the cock-a-mouse!
Zoey: The what?
Ted: Cock-a-mouse. Part cockroach, part mouse. It used to live in our apartment. It must've settled here. And, oh, look! It had babies. Good for it!
Zoey: Ew. I give up. You win. Let's go.
Ted: Be well, my friends!
Quote from Marshall
Ben: I'm sorry. I don't think you're the kind of person we're looking for. I just got off the phone with Arthur Hobbs over at GNB.
[flashback to Arthur on the phone:]
Arthur: Oh, yeah. I worked with Marshall Eriksen. At least I did when he actually showed up.
[fantasy scene of a tattooed Marshall wearing sunglasses and a sleeveless suit jacket:]
Arthur: Marshall! Hey, it's... it's 2:30. If it's no big deal, we'd sure love it if you tried to get here at least before lunch.
Marshall: Yeah? And I'd sure love to give a rat's ass.
Woman: Oh! Mr. Eriksen, you're not wearing any pants.
Marshall: Your move. [throws a plastic bottle in the bin]
Arthur: But, Marshall, what about the environment?
Marshall: Screw the environment!
[back to the phone call:]
Ben: "Screw the environment"?
Arthur: Oh, yeah. We fired him when we caught him clubbing a seal in his office with an even cuter seal. Guy's a maniac. He's just an awful, flatulent racist.
Quote from How I Met Everyone Else
Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.
Quote from The Three Days Rule
Ted: Barney, the three days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that?
Marshall: Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.
Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole wait 3 days thing. He waited 3 days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he have only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Jesus, what up?" And Jesus would probably be, like, "What up? I died yesterday". And then they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude". And then he would have to explain how he was resurrected and how it was a miracle. And then, the dude would be, like, "Okay, whatever you say, bro".
Robin: Wow, ancient dialogue sounds so stilted now.
Barney: And he's not going to come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy doing chores. Working the loom, trimming their beards. No. He waits the exact right number of days... Three.
Ted: OK, I promise, I'll wait three days. Just please stop talking.
Barney: Plus, it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already. They're all in there, "Oh, no, Jesus is dead". Then, bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle. Everyone's totally psyched. And, FYI, that's when he invented the high-five. Three days, Ted. We wait three days to call a woman because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait. True story.