Ted: I'm starting to think a person gets a certain allotment of lighthouses per lifetime. And I've used all mine up.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that, kids, is the kind of stupid thing you say before you've met the person who hits the reset button on the world, who makes everything new again, who makes it seem ridiculous that you ever considered settling, because not two years later...
[flashforward:]
Ted: Look at that.
The Mother: It's like traveling back in time.
Ted: That is exactly what I said. Why couldn't it have been you here with me two years ago?
The Mother: That's probably for the best. When you vomit, I vomit. You know that.
Ted: Well, thanks for being here with me now.
The Mother: Thanks for bringing me. Wow. It is just bonkers beautiful here. I don't know how you could improve on a day like this.
Ted: Well, I'm gonna try. [gets down on one knee]
The Mother: Whoa.
Ted: Will you...
The Mother: Yes.
Ted: You didn't even let me...
The Mother: Yes.
Ted: Marry me?
The Mother: Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes... yes.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Now, late the night before, thanks to Marshall's travel companion, Daphne, Lily had received some unsettling news. Screwing up their whole plan to move to Italy. She wasn't happy.
Lily: Yes, I'm in a rotten mood. No, I don't want to talk about it. Yes, this has booze in it. No, it's not my first.
Barney: You want to make this brunch a drunch? You do you, I'm not gonna judge.
[flashback:]
Marshall: I'm gonna be a judge.
[present:]
Lily: Judge. [smashes glass, which is quickly replaced] Thank you, Linus.

Loretta: Pancakes and eggs, Robin? I guess that blouse won't be loose and flowy for long.
Barney: Mom.
Robin: Keep talking, Loretta. I've been waiting all morning to ketchup. Oops.
Loretta: You're not supposed to put ketchup on scrambled eggs.
Robin: Right, Loretta, because you're the queen of scrambled eggs.
Barney: Actually, that's exactly what she is. When Mom was a groupie in the '70s, her scrambled eggs made her the darling of the MSG loading dock. Lot of songs written about those scrambled eggs. ZZ Top's "She's Got Legs"? Originally "She's Got Eggs." Led Zeppelin? "Scramble On." Steve Miller? "The Yolker." If you listen to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon while eating her eggs, it lines up perfectly.

Robin: While I'm sure it was your mother's cooking skills that made her so popular with Zed Zed Top and their ilk, I know for a fact that she does not make the best scrambled eggs. Because my mom makes the best scrambled eggs.
All: [gasp]
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, we'd known your Aunt Robin for eight years at that point, and here's what we knew about her mom.
[series of flashbacks:]
Robin: [2006] My mom is terrified of flying.
Robin: [february 2010] My mom got stung by a jellyfish.
Robin: [moments ago] My mom makes the best scrambled eggs.
Future Ted: And... that's everything.
Robin: In fact, she should be here any minute. Barney, maybe she can cook you some real scrambled eggs so you can see what you've been missing.

Barney: Please, Mom, I need you to just be cool. Okay, can you do that for me?
Loretta: For you, yes.
Barney: And for Robin? She's gonna be your daughter in 33 hours.
Loretta: Daughter-in-law.
Barney: Making it illegal for you not to treat her like a daughter. In-lawyered. Please, Mom. All Robin wants to do is put this whole thing behind her so she can get married and put this whole thing behind her. Ah! Get-this-over-with-quickly-so-we-can move-past-how-awkward-it-was that-I-just-said-that five!

Marshall: Okay, you know what? We have to hit the road. But, um, Mrs. Mosby, do you mind if I take this mug? I would very much like to make fun of Ted next time I see him.
Virginia Mosby: Of course. You know, when Ted was seven, he and his best friend took this Wild West photo together at Geauga Lake. I could go look for it.
Marshall: We really should get going.
Virginia Mosby: His best friend was a balloon.
Marshall: What's a few more minutes?
Daphne: Yeah, you're gonna want that.

Robin: Or I could go out to the driveway and eat some gravel.
Lily: Wait. Sorry. Did you say gravel or gavel?
Robin: Gravel. Why would I say gavel?
Lily: Gavel. [smashes glass; later, Linus runs after her with another drink] Thank you, Linus.

Loretta: Robin can't have kids? But you always wanted children.
Barney: No, I always liked children. I've always wanted a Lamborghini where there's a hot tub inside. God, I wish that existed.
Loretta: So no grandkids. How long have you known about this?
Barney: I found out last fall.
[flashback:]
Barney: [v.o.] Robin and I had been hanging out downtown at this very cool secret bar.
[Barney and Robin emerge from a covering in the sidewalk]
Barney: What a lovely place! Have you ever had sushi that fresh?
Robin: Okay, I am never getting on a mechanical bull again.
Barney: I can't believe Marshall and Lily missed out. Promise me, if you ever have kids, you'll sometimes get a babysitter and come have an epic night. Oh, and, P.S., bring the babysitter, she sounds dirty.
Robin: Actually, I, uh, I can't have kids, so that's not an issue.
Barney: Really?
Robin: Yeah.
[Barney hugs Robin]
Barney: Is it weird that I'm hugging you like this?
Robin: No, it's not weird. [rain pours] Now it's weird.
Barney: Yep, the rain makes it weird.
[present:]
Barney: Mom, I'm not marrying some future possibility of starting a family. I'm marrying a girl... who means more to me than kids. Or my career. Or even the Lambor-cuzzi, patent pending. So please, be nice to her?

Daphne: This is ridiculous. Get out there and drag Clint's downward-facing ass back in here so we can get going.
Marshall: Just let him do his thing.
Daphne: Do you know why the Daphnes of the world always get to pick the music and the Marshalls pay all the tolls? Because the Marshalls are so concerned with letting everybody do their thing, and the Daphnes are taking care of Daphne. You can talk to me about solar or wind or hydro-whatever, but the world is always gonna push you around, Marshall. Until you learn to go nuclear. [Marshall puts the car into gear and drives off] What are you doing? Is this real? Are you doing this? We need some driving music.
Marshall: No! You threw a live grenade into my marriage. You screwed up my whole world. So from now on... we listen to my music.
[The Proclaimers' "I Would Walk (500 Miles)" plays]
Daphne: I hate this song.
Marshall: Give it time. Zitch dog, beagle in a Beetle.

Loretta: Here we are. Enjoy.
Lily: Remember, happy wife, happy life. Pretend they're just okay.
Barney: Please, Lily, I think I can manage to... Oh, my God. I'm eight years old again, and life is perfect, and I haven't peed my shorts in front of 350 Webelos at the Pinewood Derby Regionals in Wheeling, West Virginia. I'm sorry, Robin.