Lily: Pull your head out of your ass, Mosby. Do you think Marshall always makes me happy? I mean, sometimes being with him is a real trial. Real trial. [smashes glass] Huh. Did it to myself that time. Look, Ted, it's time to settle. Take this normal-sized chick up to the lighthouse and fall in love with her and quit bothering us with your dumb love life stuff. God, I am so sick of being smarter than everyone else. You're slipping, Linus.
Linus: We're running out of glasses.

Loretta: Fine. If Robin's ready to bury the hatchet, then I guess I'm ready to bury the hatchet.
Robin: Morning, bitches. Like my new blouse?
Loretta: Oh, hell, no!
Barney: No, Mom. Mom!

Future Ted: [v.o.] Not far from the Farhampton Inn, there's a lighthouse. It's a really special place, and that morning I wanted to see it for myself. There was just one problem.
Curtis: Look, I'm sorry, Ted, but-but I can't in good faith send a lonely guy like yourself to the top of a very romantic, and more to the point, a very tall lighthouse. [whistles] I don't want your blood on my hands, and I mean that literally, because it would be my job to... to hose down the rocks.

Future Ted: [v.o.] As for Marshall and Daphne, they got caught in that big storm. Luckily, they had a place to crash for the night. My childhood home. Okay, that sign might not have been there.
Marshall: Thank you so much for letting us stay the night, Mrs. Mosby.
Virginia Mosby: Oh, it's our pleasure. I'm just glad that storm has passed.
Clint: But there's one storm that hasn't passed, isn't there, Marshall?
Marshall: Hey, Clint.
Clint: You know what I'm talking about, don't you, Marshall? I'm talking about the one that's been raining cats and dogs all over this-this, this friendship.
Daphne: This isn't a friendship.
Clint: Oh. Nice.

Marshall: We're reluctant travel companions.
Clint: Well, little known fact about me. I'm an almost-graduate of the Conflict Resolution program over at... at Tri-C. I even had my own practice at Van Aken Plaza before the manager of the Wendy's made me stop hogging the booth. The point is, I can fix this.
Marshall: Oh, I don't know, Clint.
Clint: [plays guitar and sings] Gonna resolve some conflicts Gonna resolve some conflicts Gonna make a deeper understanding Through mediation.

Lily: So, what's everyone doing this morning?
Robin: Oh, well, I kind of feel like playing some tennis. Maybe we should reserve a court.
Lily: Court. [breaks glass, which is quickly replaced] Thank you, Linus.

Barney: Don't do this, Robin. You can't win the egg war.
Loretta: Canadian scrambled eggs, how quaint. Does your mom put maple syrup on them?

Loretta: That's it! We need your omelet station. My son's fiancée is about to get served... some delicious scrambled eggs.

Lily: Wait a minute. What happened to that girl Cassie?
Ted: Cassie?
Future Ted: [v.o.] Cassie was the girl I'd spent the entire previous night consoling. Just consoling.
Ted: Yeah, that's not happening.
Future Ted: And then, in her anger, Lily gave me a piece of advice about which she would later say...
[flash-forward:]
Lily: Oh, doggy, that was some bad advice.
[present:]
Lily: Okay, here's why you're an idiot. Did you find Cassie attractive?
Ted: I guess.
Lily: Is she a relatively normal height?
Ted: Yeah.
Lily: So end up with her already. God, do you really think that you're gonna find some perfect girl who checks off every item on your list?
Ted: Well, not every item. I mean, she doesn't have to share my love for coins. Although it would be nice, just once, not to have to go stag to Coin-Con.

Marshall: Ooh, zitch dog. Cocker spaniel in the Jetta. That's Marshall Eriksen, 28, Daphne, zero.
Daphne: For the 28th time, I'm not playing your stupid game!
Marshall: Oh, stupid, huh? That's great. I guess Daphne gets to pick the music and crap all over my fun road-trip games. You know, maybe Clint was right. Maybe we do need conflict resolution.
Clint: I knew you guys would come around.
Both: [scream]