Barney: Me, too! Guys, take a good look at this face, because the next time you see it, it will be disfigured in the hottest possible way. Because that's who I am... I'm a man. I like to fight and mix it up and get all dirty. [removes his jacket] Can you find a wood hanger for this?

Ted: He thinks we were in this fight with him.
Barney: We were in this fight with him. And now we are going to go in there and tell everyone the legendary tale of how we beat up some guys. And everyone is going to think it's great and everyone is going to sleep with me again.
Ted: Dude, come on, no one is gonna believe we were in a fight... look at us.
Barney: That's a good... [hits himself in the eye] Ow!
Ted: What are you doing?!
Barney: What I should've done a long time ago.
Ted: What?
Barney: I don't know, I just hit myself in the eye! I don't even know what I'm saying... I throw an awesome right hook, by the way.

Barney: Okay, are you ready?
Ted: To go back in?
Barney: No, for this. [punches Ted]
Ted: God! You just punched me in the nose!
Barney: Are you crying?
Ted: Yes, I'm crying! You just punched me in the nose!
Barney: That's going to swell up real good. You're going to look like Owen Wilson. Let's get back in there.

Marshall: You two got in a fight. Really?
Ted: Uh, no. Barney punched me and himself in the face to make it look like we got in a fight. Come on, Marshall!

Robin: Wow, look at your eye. You look like a badass. I'm surprised to see you had it in me. You. Had it in you.
Barney: Do you... want to touch it?
Robin: [Barney winces] Oh, my God, it's warm!

Lily: Marshall, you're the man every boy should grow up to become and every girl should marry. You know what? I have two kids in my class who won't stop fighting. If you come to school tomorrow and tell them your story of choosing the path of nonviolence, it might really set them straight. And save me having to get up early to make a lesson plan.

Boy: You're a wuss.
Marshall: No. What? Mahatma Panda and Martin Luther Koala are telling you kids this story to illustrate...
Boy #2: To illustrate that you're a wuss?
Boy: Why didn't you just fight those guys? Were you scared?
Marshall: What? No! I wasn't scared! I've been in plenty of fights, okay?
Boy #2: You're huge! You must weigh like a thousand pounds.
Marshall: Okay, first of all, I'm wearing a baggy sweater, and it has horizontal stripes. And I also... and I had a salty lunch... And so I'm retain... You know what? Shut up!
Boy #2: Wuss! Wuss! Wuss!
[The kids start fighting]

Amanda: So, you just beat those guys up?
Barney: Just?
Ted: Oh, Amanda, were it so simple. You see, hand to hand combat is about so much more than just administering brute force on your opponent, right B?
Barney: You know it!
Ted: It's a science. The sweet science, as it were.

Woman: Wait, I'm confused, what did those guys do to deserve it?
Barney: Well, this may sound petty, but they sat in our booth.
Ted: They sat in our booth.
Barney: And nobody...
Ted: Nobody.
Barney: Sits in our booth.
Amanda: Uh-oh. Are you going to beat those guys up?
[Robin enters]
Barney: Yes, we are going to beat those guys up. Ted, come on.

Barney: You two. Our booth. Get out. Now!
Ted: What are you doing?
Barney: Relax, we got Doug. Big Doug's got our backs.
Ted: Yeah, Doug's not here tonight.
Barney: [to the guys in their booth] Can I get you guys anything? Drinks? Cash? Those two girls over there?