Barney: Fine! The reason I'm upset about Marshall leaving GNB is... is...
Robin: Hey. [holds Barney's hand]
Barney: ...the meatball sub.
Robin: Huh?
Barney: It all started months ago in the GNB commissary. It was Meatball Sub Day. [v.o.] Oh, how I used to love Meatball Sub Day. And then, the most humiliating moment of my life.
Marshall: Hey, buddy, I think you got a tiny little bit of marinara sauce on your tie there. [chuckles]
Barney: [v.o.] I plotted my revenge for weeks. But nothing seemed right. Then it hit me. The answer was
so elegant and simple. An exploding meatball sub. For months, I experimented. More... marinara sauce. Finally, the sub was perfected. The plan was in place. The snare was baited. And then.. he quit, Robin, he quit! It's Meatball Sub Day today, which is why I wanted Marshall to come over and have lunch. But no. All that work wasted. [quiet sobs] You want to make God laugh, tell him your plans, right?

[ten years later, the gang join Barney in his apartment as he looks to be on his death bed:]
Robin: You're too young. This isn't fair.
Marshall: We're not going anywhere, buddy. We're gonna stay here right till the end.
Barney: [weakly] Thank you, Marshall. [coughs weakly] Marshall, can I ask one final favor, my friend?
Marshall: Yes, of course, of course. Anything.
Barney: Eat this meatball sub.
Marshall: Wh- Where'd you get a meatball...
Barney: I don't have much time!
Marshall: Okay, yes, yes, of course. Of course. Does this have some sort of special meaning?
[The meatball sub explodes and covers Marshall's face in marinara sauce]
Barney: [guffawing] I'm not sick, you idiots! I've racked up $30,000 of uninsured medical bills for symptoms I don't even have. Totally worth it! You should see the look on your face. Oh, wait, you can't 'cause it's covered in marinara sauce! [guffawing]
Ted: Uh, Barney, you got a little marinara on your pajamas.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Now around this time, Marshall had truly come to hate his job. He hated the paperwork. He hated the coffee. He hated the dirty jokes. He hated everything.
Marshall: I have to quit.
Barney: Quit GNB?! Why?
Marshall: I need to do better things with my life, okay? There's- There's an opening for an environmental lawyer at the National Resources Defense Council. Sure, it pays less, but I'd be saving the oceans, saving endangered species...
Barney: Saving chicken bones and an old boot to make hobo soup? Marshall, you can't pay your mortgage with Hacky Sacks and good vibes.

Future Ted: [v.o.] So Marshall walked in the next morning all ready to quit. But then something weird happened. Suddenly, he didn't hate the paperwork. He didn't hate the coffee. He didn't even hate the dirty jokes. Out of nowhere, Marshall actually liked GNB.
Robin: It's graduation goggles.
Marshall: What?
Robin: Graduation goggles, like with high school. It's four years of bullies making fun of all the kids with braces, even after the braces come off and they can walk just fine. But then, on graduation day, you suddenly get all misty because you realize you're never going to see those jerks again.

Barney: I don't want to talk about it, okay?
Robin: Why not?
Barney: Because I don't. And why am I explaining this to you? You're the most secretive person I know. You never tell anybody anything.
Robin: I've never... told anyone this before. Um... I was 16. I was awakened around midnight by the sound of my father arguing with his business partner, Andy Grenier. As things grew heated... I watched my father's hand slowly coil around the heavy antique clock on his desk. [later] The sun was just starting to rise over the bramble orchard as we packed the fresh earth down with the flats of our shovels. My dad and I got our stories straight. We walked back to the house in silence and... haven't talked about it since. But sometimes... on a still night... you can still hear that clock, ticking... ticking... [quietly] ticking.
Barney: That's... The most harrowing story I've ever heard. Is it true?
Robin: No. [Barney sighs] But it did get you to drink three scotches, which is why you're ready to spill your guts.

Barney: Ted, why are you dating our arch-enemy?! I mean, Wile E. Coyote wasn't trying to sleep with the Roadrunner.
Robin: Or maybe he was. Think about it. The way that she bats her eyelashes and shakes her tail feathers in his face? [chuckles] She wants it.

Lily: You guys are in screaming matches all the time.
Ted: Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh. Growing matches.
Future Ted: [v.o.] It was true. Zoey and I loved to challenge each other.
[flashback to Ted and Zoey watching a movie in the apartment:]
Ted: The main character is a young spoiled prince thrust into leadership after the death of his father. It's obviously a modern-day retelling of Henry IV!
Zoey: Are you kidding me?! It's Don Quixote, the classic quest story with the hero-jester and his long-suffering manservant!
Ted: Okay, clearly, when we're watching Tommy Boy, we're watching two different movies.

Lily: Your relationship sounds exhausting.
Ted: Well, maybe yours is a bit lazy.
Lily: Marshall and I have been together 15 years, and the only debate we've had about Tommy Boy is whether it's awesome or super awesome. That's love, bitch. [Lily and Marshall high-five]

Lily: [to Marshall] Baby, you have my full support.
Barney: Well, then, you're not going to be able to pay for that trip to Spain that you've been planning. [snickers] Say good-bye to riding around in gondolas, and eating bratwurst and seeing the pyramids.
Robin: I don't think you know what Spain is.
Barney: Well, I know that a trip there costs some serious lira.
Ted: It's dinero.
Barney: Where? I want his autograph!

Robin: I just had graduation goggles with that guy Scooby I dated.
Lily: The guy who was basically a dog?
Robin: He was the worst kisser I've ever been with. But the moment I decided to dump him... I suddenly got kind of wistful. He was a good boy.