Marshall: Hey. What you writing?
Barney: Um, it's my wedding day. What do you think I'm writing?
Marshall: Suicide note?
Lily: Hey-yo! [Marshall and Lily high-five]
Marshall: Oh, God, is it a suicide note?
Lily: Oh, my God, how many pills did you take? Quick. How do we make him vomit?
Marshall: Uh, remind him he's getting married. Hey-yo! [Marshall and Lily high-five]

Marshall: Then why did you wait until right before the wedding to compose them?
Barney: I didn't. I've been trying to get these right for weeks. Oh.
Lily: This is a lot of vows.
Marshall: Vow-za. [silence] I'll say it again. Vow-za.
Lily: Are you really gonna read all of these?
Marshall: Yeah, uh, wouldn't it be better to project them as a VowerPoint presentation? Say it again. VowerPoint...

Lily: Look, if you're having trouble, you've got two expert vow consultants standing right in front of you.
Marshall: Yeah. We can show you vow it's done. Say it again. Vow it's done...
Lily: We're just not enjoying them, honey.

Barney: I am not gonna take marriage advice from a couple who just got in a gigantic fight. I'm doing fine on my own.
Lily: No, you're not. All of these vows are selfish and way too easy to keep. Wedding vows need to be real commitments, like our vows.
Barney: Poppycock!
Marshall: What are you talking about?
Barney: I remember your precious wedding vows, and I guarantee you've broken every single one of them.
Marshall: Vow dare you!
Lily: Just stop.
Marshall: I can't. It's invowluntary.

Ted: Hey. You asked for me?
Robin: Look what Barney just gave me.
Ted: No way! See? Barney came through. There's your sign. You're good to go.
Robin: Where'd you find the locket, Ted?

Robin: Ted, I can't believe how much trouble you went through to get this for me.
Ted: It really wasn't that much trouble.
Robin: Yes, it was. You always go big for me.
Ted: Not as big as Barney. Canadian rehearsal dinner on ice - big. The way he proposed - huge.
Robin: Yeah, but think about it. Those are the most loving things that Barney has ever done for me, and they're all based on lies. Right down to taking credit for this locket.
Ted: That's not fair. I told Barney to take credit for it.
Robin: Which he did without blinking an eye. Because lying is second nature to Barney. Everything's legendary. You know what "legendary" means? Not real. I mean, the man's initials are "B.S."
Ted: If it helps, I'm pretty sure Barney Stinson's a fake name. I'm kidding.
Robin: You're the one who always comes through for me, Ted. The one who's there for me. Maybe I'm making a mistake.
Ted: Wait. What-what are you saying?
Robin: Maybe I should be marrying you.

Barney: Well, here's one you definitely didn't keep.
[flashback:]
Lily: I vow to keep the romantic spark alive.
[present:]
Barney: And how is that going for you these days?
[flashback:]
Marshall: [o.s.] Are you watching Marvin? I'm trimming my nose hair.
Lily: [o.s.] I'm dumping out.
Marshall: [o.s.] I watched him all morning, Lily. I need a break.
Lily: [o.s.] I don't control when my deuces happen, Marshall. Deuces are wild!

Robin: Ted, I should be with you.
Future Ted: [v.o.] There it was. The words that some deep, dark part of me always wanted to hear. But it's funny. Once you actually hear those words out loud...
Ted: I don't want to hear that.
Robin: We should get out of here. You and me right now. We'll... We'll move to Chicago. W-We'll start a new life. It'll-it'll be painful at first, but, hell, I can root for the Blackhawks.
Ted: Stop! Stop! You're just saying this because you're scared. I am not your future. Barney is.
Robin: Shouldn't I be with the guy who finds me my locket? The guy who steals me the blue French horn. I mean, look me in the eye and tell me, why shouldn't I be with that guy?
Ted: Because I'm not that guy anymore.
Robin: Then why did you work so hard to find me my locket?
Ted: It... it was a wedding gift.
Robin: Ted, stop it, okay? I know you better than that. This is more than a wedding gift.
Ted: Maybe it started out that way. Maybe some part of me thought...
Robin: That you still loved me.
Ted: Maybe. But the truth is... I don't love you like that anymore. And you don't love me. You love Barney. And if you think I would ever be part of screwing that up, then maybe you don't know me at all, Robin.

Lily: Remember back when you had never even seen me pee?
Marshall: Yeah.
Barney: Yeah. Oh, sorry.
Marshall: We were so innocent then.
Lily: So many dreams.
Barney: Trying to work over here.
Marshall: Bright, shimmering future ahead.
Lily: Now we're basically a couple of wild animals grunting at each other to throw some toilet paper through the crack in the bathroom door.
Marshall: Baby, let's be honest. At this point, that door is wide open.
Barney: You know what you should use the next time you run out of toilet paper? Your wedding vows. 'Cause that's all your marriage has been, one long six-year wipe after that double-flusher of a wedding. Stinson out!

Ted: You okay?
Robin: Yeah. You're right. I'm-I'm being insane.
Ted: Oh, come on, Robin. That's... accurate.
Robin: [chuckles] We can't run away together.
Ted: [chuckles] Of course not.
Robin: So I'm just gonna run away alone!