Lily: What the hell?
Robin: Lily, this is a Chinese restaurant.
Lily: No, no, this was my apartment. My dresser was right... That's my dresser! And this is my closet. And I spilled nail polish there. There's the stain.

Lily: Okay, so I didn't have a written lease as such but, but go ask my landlady, Mrs. Conroy. [to Robin] She may be 98 years old but she's still... [turning to waitress] She's dead, isn't she?
Waitress: Never even saw the bus.

[flashback to Ted and Marshall playing video games:]
Marshall: So, when Lily and I get married, who's gonna get the apartment?
Ted: Oh, that's a tough one. You know who I think could handle a problem like that?
Marshall: Who?
Ted: Future Ted and Future Marshall.
Marshall: Totally. Let's let those guys handle it.
[back:]
Ted: Damn it, Past Ted.

Barney: All right, Ted, call me from the hospital.
Ted: All right.
Robin: You're going to the hospital?
Ted: No, see, he's gonna go back over there and I'm gonna call him and he's gonna pretend that it's an emergency call from a family member at the hospital.
Robin: Oh, Lord, fake emergency? That is lamest, most pathetic cop-out in the book. I expect more from you, Barney.
Barney: Well, stay tuned, I'm working on some stuff. But in the meantime, wish me luck.

Ted: Ah, this'll be nice, the three of us living together. I think it's a good setup. Man, this coffee's great. It's really great. Too great. ... What happened to Shocky?

Ted: What's this?
Lily: My coffeemaker from my apartment. Makes great coffee, right?
Ted: Yeah, definitely. I mean, so does Shocky.
Marshall: Really? I always thought Shocky's coffee tasted kinda rusty.
Ted: Yeah, no, it did. I mean, I kinda liked the rusty taste. I'm used to it. I don't know.
Marshall: Also Lily's coffeemaker doesn't, you know, shock you.
Ted: No. You gotta admit, that shock, wakes you up in the morning
Marshall: You know what else wakes you up in the morning? Coffee.
Ted: That's great. You're right. [weakly] Roomies! I love it.

Ted: They're edging me out. They're totally edging me out. I didn't believe it but you're right.
Barney: Told you. That Lily, she's a shrewd one.
Robin: Yeah, she got you a nice new coffeemaker. How dare she!

Marshall: But when he's ready to talk to me about it, he'll come and talk to me about it.
Lily: Are you kidding? You guys never talk about anything. [knock on door] He'll just let it fester under the surface until he does something big and passive-aggressive.
Marshall: You clearly don't know Ted. [Marshall opens front door]
Delivery guy: Delivery for Ted Mosby.

Marshall: You like the phone booth. It stays. I like this painting so I'm just gonna hang it right here on the wall.
Ted: Oh, so it's like that, is it?
Marshall: Ring, ring. [in British accent] Oh hello governor, oh it's like isn't it? Cheerio. [normal voice] Yeah, it's like that.

Robin: For the record, your little lemon law is a symbol of everything that's wrong with our no-attention-span society.
Barney: No, wrong, Lemon Law is awesome.
Robin: It takes longer than five minutes to really get to know someone. You keep giving up on people so quickly, you're gonna miss out on something great.
Barney: Okay, you're on a blind date, sitting across the table is that guy. You really think it'll take more than five minutes to realize there will be no date number two?
Robin: Yes I do. For all I know, that guy's my soul-mate.
Barney: Oh, bad move, Scherbatsky. [to the geeky guy] Hi, have you met Robin?