‘The Duel’
Season 1, Episode 8 - Aired November 14, 2005
After Lily's apartment is turned into a Chinese restaurant, she moves in with Ted and Marshall. Ted begins to worry that he is being edged out of the apartment. Meanwhile, Barney develops a "lemon law" for women.
Quote from Marshall
Ted: I'm flipping. But before I do, I just wanna say something. You didn't even wanna move in here in the first place. You said a pre-war building was bad for your allergies.
Marshall: That was five years ago. Now you can get prescription-level antihistamines over the counter. Oh, snap. What else you got?
Quote from Marshall
Marshall: You don't need two rooms
Ted: Heads or tails, Marshall. Like you need two rooms?
Marshall: We might be starting a family soon.
Ted: Oh, no you're not. There's no way you're having a baby while you're in law school. It's gonna be at least three years.
Marshall: It could be sooner, we're not that careful with our birth control. Two-zip.
Quote from Marshall
Ted: Look. Here's why I should get the place. You and Lily, you get to be married. What do I get, right? I get to be unmarried, alone, minus two roommates. And on top of that I could be homeless. Does that seem fair?
Marshall: Oh, boo-freakin-hoo.
Ted: What?
Marshall: Woe is me. I'm not married yet. My ovaries are shrinking. Ted, if you wanted to be married by now you would be but you're not. And you know why? Because you're irrationally picky. You're easily distracted and you're utterly anhedonic.
Ted: Anhedonic?
Marshall: Anhedonic. It means you can't enjoy anything.
Ted: The hell I can't. I'm enjoying this.
Marshall: I know, this rules!
Quote from Ted
Marshall: I stabbed Lily. I stabbed my fiancé.
Ted: Come on, Marshall, do you really think she's still your fiancé? I'm kidding.
Quote from Barney
Robin: Is she OK?
Marshall: They're just patching her up. She's gonna be fine.
Barney: So get this, I was on a date with this girl, Jackie. [off Marshall, Ted and Robin's looks] What? You said she's fine.
Quote from Marshall
Doctor: All set. She said she'd like to see the knights of the poorly constructed round table?
Marshall: That's us.
Quote from Lily
Lily: A sword fight?
Marshall & Ted: Sorry, Lily.
Lily: On Monday, I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class who I teach not to run with scissors that my fiancé ran me through with a frickin' broad sword.
Marshall: Well, just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through.
Lily: I'm sorry, is this a discussion of the degree to which you stabbed me?
Quote from Lily
Lily: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I don't want that apartment. It's a boy apartment. It's full of swords and video games, and kinda smells like dude. It's fine for now, but when we get married, I wanna start a new life with you in a new place.