Lily: Hey, guys. Are you free tomorrow night? I was thinking of having a wine tasting slash "help me catch the rat in my apartment" party.
Ted: That's a great idea. You can put out cheese for both.

Marshall: Right? Right? She's hot! And she likes me? She likes Italian food. I also like Italian food. She likes Billy Joel. I also like music.

Barney: Dude, you gotta ditch her.
Ted: Obviously.
Marshall: Why?
Barney: She's got the crazy eyes.
Ted: Dude. The eyes. They're crazy.
Marshall: What are you guys talking about, the crazy eyes?
Barney: It's a well-documented condition of the pupils, or pupi.
Ted: No. Just pupils.
Barney: It's an indicator of future mental instability.
Marshall: She does not have the crazy eyes.
Ted: You just can't see it because you're afflicted with "haven't been laid in a while" blindness.
Barney: She was too far away in the coffee place, but when I saw her up close just now...

Barney: You can keep going out with her, but you're gonna regret it. One time, I met a girl at this very bar. I saw that she had the crazy eyes but I ignored it. And then, sure enough.
[flashback:]
Lauren: Barney, can I ask you a question?
Barney: Anything.
Lauren: Would you like to have a threesome?
Barney: Of course.
Lauren: Great. It'll be you, me and Mr. Weasels. [holds up stuffed animal]
[present:]
Ted: So, did you do it?
Barney: No. It ended up being just a twosome with the third one watching from a chair.
Ted: Which one were you?
Barney: I'd rather not say.

Ted: Look, there was a time I didn't believe in the crazy eyes either, and then I met Jeanine. She had serious crazy eyes. I told myself I was just imagining it, but then...
[flashback:]
Ted: So, should we go get a drink?
Jeanine: As long as it's in your apartment.
Driver: Whoa, I'm sorry.
Jeanine: [hitting car with a metal bar] Watch! Where! You're! Going! [normally] So, where do you live?

Marshall: You guys, Chloe is not gonna do any of that stuff. She's a nice girl from Nebraska. She's not crazy. She's she's awesome.
Future Ted: [v.o.] But you can't avoid the crazy eyes forever. Sooner or later, the crazy comes bubbling to the surface.
Marshall: [answers phone] Hello?
Chloe: Marshall, it's Chloe.
Marshall: Are you the one who's called me like nine times?
Chloe: Yeah. Could you come get me? I'm in the middle of taking a test. Please. I'm so scared.
Marshall: Well, what's going on?
Chloe: This weird midget guy started following me and he was screaming at me and he had a limp and a big hump on his back and the police didn't believe me and I almost got trampled by a horse and God I must sound totally crazy to you right now.
Marshall: No. Pfft. Not at all.

Ted: So, she's needy crazy. That's one of the worst kinds.
Barney: I've had one of those. Makes up stories to get attention. Went out with her for three weeks, her dad died twice.

Marshall: Guys, she was really freaked out, okay? Maybe the story is true.
Barney: What in the world would make you believe that's a true story?
Marshall: She's really hot.
Barney: They always are.

Wendy: You all done with that, Ted?
Ted: Yeah.
Barney: Ned. I told you to call him Ned.
Ted: That's just sad.
Wendy: Sorry, Swarley.

Chloe: So, do just you and Ted live here or does Swarley live here, too?
Marshall: Nah. Swahili has his own place. [clattering] What was that?
Chloe: Oh, I, uh, dropped my keys.
Marshall: So, here you go. Two pumpkin beers. [Chloe laughs] I was joking. They're regular beers.