Ted: Where could Barney be?
Robin: Oh, relax. He always finds his way home.
Ted: St. Patrick's Day, 2008. He did not find his way home that night.
Robin: That dumpster was a block from his apartment. I call that a win. Also, that isn't the filthiest trash he's ever slept with. Ho! My future husband, folks! Or maybe he bailed on the wedding.
Ted: Oh, come on. Don't even think like that.
Robin: Well, he's terrified of commitment. Although, ironically, loves being tied down...

Ted: Look, as the run-offee at my own almost-wedding, I can tell you you are fine. Barney is no Stella.
Robin: Mmm. Hey, have you talked to her in a while?
Ted: Stella?
Robin: Yeah.
Ted: The woman who broke my heart and embarrassed me in front of all my friends and loved ones? [laughing] Uh... no.
Future Ted: [v.o.] That was a lie. A few days earlier, I had talked to Stella on the phone.

Marshall: [on the phone] So the reason someone can't come up to fix the air conditioning is that the ghost of Captain Dearduff, who haunts this room, likes it muggy?
Curtis: That's correct. Although, now that I say it out loud, it does sound kind of ridiculous, because there's no such thing as ghosts. Right?
Marshall: You have outflanked me, Front Desk Guy! Victory is yours!

Robin: Can I be honest? Um, it was kind of crazy how all of sudden it was just over between you and Victoria. I mean, you guys were seven years in the making. She left her fiancé for you. What... Why would you break up? What happened?
Ted: [clears throat] We, um... We broke up because of you.

Robin: You-you broke up with Victoria because of me?
Ted: She didn't want us to be friends anymore, so I had to let her go.
Robin: Ted... I just... Wow, I... And-and you haven't talked to her since?
Ted: Haven't talked to her since.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Also a lie.

Future Ted: [v.o.] But then, 24 hours later... disaster.
Man: [on the phone] I'm sorry, Mr. Mosby. It says here your package was delivered earlier today. Your wife signed for it.
Ted: My... what? I... I don't have a wife.
Man: So, then, who's Jeanette Mosby?
Ted: Oh, you're kidding me.

Robin: But what about when we get back from our honeymoon? What about our first night out at the bar? But what then? I mean, is it gonna be weird?
Ted: No.
Robin: How can you be so sure?
Ted: Because I'm not gonna be there. I'm moving to Chicago.

[flashback:]
Jeanette: So I was at your apartment stealing your mail, and apparently there's some chick named Victoria sending you jewelry from Germany? Somebody owes somebody an explanation.
Ted: Jeanette, that locket is a wedding gift for Robin.
Jeanette: Robin?! Oh, God, this again?
Ted: That I'm giving to her as a friend because I'm kind of the wedding gift master! Now bring it back to me right now!
Jeanette: Fine. Meet me at the Bow Bridge in Central Park in one hour. And by the way, I want Kenny back.
Ted: Who's Kenny?!
Jeanette: My pet tarantula.

Ted: We should probably head back.
Robin: Do you want to watch the sun come up?
Ted: Sure.

Robin: And... new day.
Ted: Yep, new day. Okay, you need to get at least a little sleep. Come on.