Barney: Hey, who's Bill?
Lily: Bill?
Barney: Yeah. This guy came up to me at the bar.
[flashback:]
Bill: Can I ask you something? Where in the ceremony is the place where they ask if anyone objects?
Barney: Uh... Don't think they do that anymore.
Bill: Oh, so when do you think someone should do it? Just wait for a lull or what?
[back:]
Lily: Oh, no. Did he look like a guy who tried to be an umpire but failed?
Barney: He kind of did.

Lily: That's Scooter.
Robin: Your high school boyfriend, Scooter?
Lily: His real name is Bill. My mom must have invited him.
Robin: Why? Why would she do that?
Lily: Our families are really close. But my ex-boyfriend? Come on, Mom. I didn't invite that professional squash player Dad busted you with. Oh, I need a glass of wine.

Lily: Hey, how's Marshall doing?
Barney: He's great. He's about to get his hair cut.
Lily: Oh. I'm worried my cousin's going to cut it too short.
Barney: Me, too. I was up all night.

Scooter: Maybe my words won't change your mind, but maybe the words of a poet will. I read from "November Rain." By W. Axl Rose.
Robin: That is a good song.
Brad: Barney said you needed me to bounce some guy named Scooter? [Scooter runs out] What's up with Bill?
Robin: That's Scooter.
Brad: I'm on it.

Barney: Hey.
Woman: Hey.
Barney: Can I have your phone number?
Woman: No.
Barney: It's for the bride.
Woman: Oh. Hold on. Let me go get a pen.
Barney: The bride wants you to walk slower.

Robin: Oh, wow.
Lily: Oh. Robin... My makeup looks perfect right now, and I'm about to cry. Do something.
Robin: I have hairy nipples.
Lily: Really?
Robin: No, but it worked, didn't it?

Robin: Lily, are you okay?
Lily: What do you think? Of course I'm not okay! Everything that could possibly go wrong at my wedding has! It's ruined!
Robin: What happened to "I don't want a perfect wedding"?
Lily: Oh, grow up, Robin! Of course I want a perfect wedding! Oh, God. I wanted... I wanted not to care about the wedding, but... I do. I... I'm supposed to feel like a princess today.

Marshall: [with a towel on his head] Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Ted: What?
[Marshall takes the towel off and reveals he has blond tips]
Barney: Well, it's not too short.

Marshall: I can't get married like this! There's no way!
Barney: Ah, let me see what I can do.
Ted: What? What can you do?
Barney: I have a superpower. [exits]

Marshall: Lily is gonna kill me! Look at me! She's not gonna want to marry me like this.
Ted: That's crazy. Of course she will.
Marshall: Would you marry me?
Ted: No. But not because of the hair. It's because I have a rule: never marry anyone you've had a farting contest with.
Marshall: Oh, great. So now you're saying Lily and I shouldn't even get married?