Ted: We're having a little bit of a problem back there, and, Um, and I was wondering if you could help us out.
Ben: Yeah.
Ted: Marshall accidentally shaved part of his head.
Ben: Oh, no!
Ted: Yeah. Yeah, so here's what I was thinking. What if I found something to cover up the bald area?
Ben: Yeah, that would probably work, but with what? That's a tough one.
Ted: Maybe a wig of some sort or a, um... toupee. Something that matches his hair color, which is, which is kind of the same color as the top of your hair.
Ben: Mm, yeah. Does anyone here wear a toupee? Shouldn't be hard to find out. Most of them are pretty bad.
Ted: That is true. That is true. We just need to find someone who wears a toupee that is the same color as Marshall's and your hair.
Ben: Boy, that's a pretty tall order.
Ted: Really? You can't think of any place in the general area where there might be a toupee of the kind I'm describing to you?
Ben: No, not off the top of my... No. Can't.
Ted: Let me come at this from a different angle. I got $50 in my pocket which is probably a lot more... Barney comes and takes the toupee.
Barney: The bride needs this.

Lily: What happened? Remember the wedding we wanted, the intimate outdoor ceremony?
Marshall: I wish we could have that wedding.
Ted: So do it.
Marshall: What?
Ted: Get married now. Right here. Look, it's outside like you always wanted. Intimate, close friends. There's no guitar, but it's pretty close. Barney can officiate.
Barney: Yes. Yes, I can. Uh, excuse me, guys. You all dropped something: your jaws. Because Barney Stinson is about to aid and abet a marriage.

Barney: Marshall, do you take Lily to be your wife to have and to hold from this day forward?
Lily: Slow down.
Barney: I can't. From this day forward so as long as you both shall live?
Marshall: I do.
Barney: Lily, do you promise to take Marshall to be your husband to have and to hold ... forward so long as you both shall live?
Lily: I do.
Barney: Okay, then, by the power invested in me by the very bitter old Pakistani man who works down at the courthouse on Lafayette Street, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

Future Ted: [v.o.]After that, we all went back inside for the second wedding. And yes, a lot of things did go wrong, but it didn't matter because when I look back on that day, what I remember is the first wedding; the intimate outdoor ceremony with just close friends and an acoustic guitar.

Future Ted: In May of 2007, Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall got married at the historic Van Smoot House in upstate New York.
Robin: Wow, it's beautiful, Lily.
Lily: Yeah. It's just how I always pictured it.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Well, that was a load of crap. You see, kids, when you get married, you learn a hard lesson. The wedding you set out to have is almost never the wedding you end up with.

Future Ted: [v.o.] The closer you get to the big day, the more concessions you make.
Lily: Great. Now my mom's making me invite the Lessners. This puts our numbers in the triple digits.
Robin: Wow. I guess sometimes, Lessner is more... ner. You know how like sometimes less is more.
Ted: Yeah. This is one of those times, sweetie?

Lily: So it's not going to be an outdoor wedding anymore. Marshall's dad is convinced if we have an outdoor wedding in New York, he's going to get mugged, so it's going to be inside now. It'll be great. We're still going to have our acoustic guitar player.

Robin: Holy crap, we have to fire her. She's gonna drop a shorty in the middle of your ceremony.
Lily: Robin, I'm not going to freak myself out. I hate those women who say, "Oh, my wedding has to be perfect." Things go wrong. Sometimes the deejay screws up your playlist. Sometimes you slip on placenta during the recessional.

Barney: Can I grab a scotch and soda real quick?
Barman: No. I'm not allowed to serve anything until the reception.
Barney: Wow. You just cost yourself a big tip, buddy.
Barman: I'm not allowed to accept tips, buddy.
Barney: You allowed to accept criticism? You, sir, are an ass, buddy.

Barney: Hey, you want to know what line doesn't work on a harp player? "Hey, baby, want to pluck?"
Robin: Really? That didn't work.
Barney: Not even a little.