Barney: No, no. The countdown ends at 3:00 p.m., the day after Thanksgiving. I counted it out.
Ted: How many days are in October?
Barney: Uh, thirty.
Ted: Dude, I thought we cleared this up last year.
[flashback to Barney dressed as Borat in MacLaren's:]
Barney: I like Halloween very much. Is nice.
Ted: Is also tomorrow.
Barney: Damn it!

Barney: Wait, you're gonna slap me on Thanksgiving?
Marshall: Slapsgiving.
Barney: That's not allowed. Lily, you're the Slap Bet Commissioner, is that allowed?
Lily: The hostess in me who's using her wedding china for the first time wants to say "Hell, no!", but yeah, I'm going to allow it.
Barney: Well, you know what? If you're trying to freak me out about spending Thanksgiving...
Marshall: Slapsgiving.
Barney:. ..at your place, then you failed. Truth is, I'm not scared.
Marshall: Really?
Barney: Right. Cause you blew it. The worst part about getting slapped is not knowing when it's going to happen. But now I know exactly when I'm gonna get slapped. So, you took all the suspense out. You showed your hand.
Marshall: And Thursday at 3:01 p.m., your face is going to show my hand.

[Ted drops a plate]
Marshall: Oh, no! The slap-petizers.

Marshall: Oh, my! Look at that. That means we're in the final hour of the countdown.
Barney: I'm not scared.
Marshall: Then why is your right cheek twitching?
Barney: It's not...
Marshall: Maybe it's because future me slaps future you so hard, it reverberates back to the present, shattering the time-slap continuum.
Barney: [whimpering] Please don't slap me.
Marshall: I'm sorry, what?
Barney: Oh, God! Don't slap me again! I don't want to get slapped again, and the first two times hurt so bad, I don't like it! I don't like it one bit!
Marshall: I thought I ruined it by putting a clock on it, Barney?
Barney: Well, you didn't ruin it. You made it so much worse! I can't eat. I can't sleep. I've lost ten pounds. My suits are wearing me. You know what? I'm outta here.
Marshall: Well, no, no, no. you can't leave.
Barney: Why can't I?! Nowhere in the rules does it say that I have to sit through sort of mental torture! You are allowed to slap my face, Sir, but you are not allowed to slap my mind! Good day!

Marshall: But it's Slapsgiving.
Lily: No! It's not! It's Thanksgiving! Our first one as a married couple, as grownups and you're not even trying to be a part of it! None of you are! So, as Slap Bet Commissioner, I'm issuing a ruling. Thanksgiving is a day of peace. There will be no slaps today!
Marshall: What?!
Barney: Yes! In your face, not my face!

Barney: Hey, check it out! We're in the last 20 seconds of Marshall's countdown to nothing.
Lily: Barney, put it away.
Barney: How does it feel, Marshall,to sit there, impotently... your large, flaccid hand,just dangling in the wind?
Female Voice: [on computer] The slap will occur in ten..
Barney: Ooh, classy touch, dude. Too bad!
Lily: Barney, put it away.
Female Voice: Six...
Barney: I will in... five...
Female Voice: five, four...
Lily: You can slap him.
Female Voice: three...
Barney: What?! Wait, you...
Female Voice: two...one.
[Marshall slaps Barney with all his might. Barney falls across the sofa and lands on the floor.]
Marshall: That's three! Thanks, baby, you're the best.

Future Ted: [v.o.] But now, we were broken up,so when Marshall said...
Marshall: But after the first year, I get a major pay raise.
Future Ted: We just let it slide. You see, on the surface, Robin and I looked like we were doing great. But the truth is, trying to be friends with your ex is a lot harder than it looks. You can't be as candid as you used to be.
[flashback to the apartment:]
Ted: So then this hot intern leans over my desk, I can totally see she has a pierced... [Robin and Lily walk through the apartment] Brosnan. Pierce Brosnan is my favorite of all the bonds.
[at MacLaren's:]
Future Ted: But most importantly, you can never, ever be alone together.
Barney: I gotta go.
Marshall: I'm gonna go pay.
Lily: Peeing.
Ted: I'm gonna help Marshall pay.
Robin: I'm gonna help Lily pee.

Future Ted: [v.o.] I should explain. Kids, you remember the slap bet. A year earlier, Marshall made a bet with Barney and won the right to slap him five times. He had already used the first and the second. But Marshall had something special in store for the third.
[flashback:]
Marshall: [on the phone with Barney] slapcountdown.com.
Barney: No!

Robin: Oh, there's Bob! By the way, heads up, he's a little bit older than us.
Ted: How old is he?
Robin: He's forty-one. Hey, Bob! Over here!
Future Ted: [v.o.] Okay, kids, the truth is, Bob probably looked like this.
[A fit middle-aged man enters the bar]
Bob: Hey, sweetie.
Robin: Hi.
Future Ted: But when your ex is dating someone new your mind tends to accentuate their flaws. This is how I saw Bob.
[Bob is now an elderly man]
Bob: Hey, dudes, what's crackin'?.
Ted: Hey, man, how are you?
Bob: Good to meet you. Sorry I'm late. I just got off the phone with my parents.
Ted: Parents?
Bob: They were totally on my case: "What are you gonna do with your life? You're forty-one." and I'm like, "Chillax, snowboarding is a legit career. You ought to be stoked I found my bliss." And speaking of bliss, sugar me, baby.

Ted: Unbelievable. Robin is dating Orville Redenbacher.
Lily: What are you talking about? He's forty-one. He looks great.
Marshall: Yeah, dude, he's in pretty good shape. He could probably kick your ass.
Ted: How are you guys not seeing this? He's 150. Robin's 27. Barney, come on, what do you got?
Barney: Nothing but respect for that man.