Marshall: You told him?
Lily: I had to. I'm Slap Bet Commissioner. Baby, this hurts me more than it's gonna hurt you.
Barney: Don't count on it. I've been practicing on a tree trunk.
Lily: Barney gets three slaps.
Marshall: Three?
Lily: One because you lied. And two for being prematurely slapped. Three slaps.
[Barney slaps Marshall three times in rapid succession.]
Barney: Oh, my God. Are you gonna cry?
Marshall: No. You're gonna cry.

Barney: So I just got a very interesting phone call.
Ted: What are you talking about?
Barney: I know Robin's secret.
Robin: What?
Barney: That's right, I know your secret, Robin. Or should I say Robin Sparkles?
Robin: How do you know that name?
Barney: 'Cause I know the truth. And I am about to show it to you right now.

Barney: Gather around, Ted, you're gonna wanna see this.
Ted: Yeah. No, I don't. [Ted closes laptop]
Barney: What?
Ted: Robin wants to keep this a secret so it's gonna stay a secret.
Barney: Yeah, it's not gonna stay a secret. You see, in my research, I came upon a certain gentleman in Malaysia who is in possession of a certain video tape. He just emailed me that it will be up and running on MySpace in about... [gasps] Right now! [Barney opens laptop] Robin's world is about to be turned upside-down. I mean, I'm guessing.

Robin: I wanna stress that I was young.
Barney: Yeah, you were.
Robin: And I didn't know any better.
Barney: They never do.
Robin: And it started out as an innocent modeling job.
Barney: It always does.

Marshall: Taking a break from the first of many viewings, I can't help but notice that this isn't porn.
Lily: And yet a slap occurred without the permission of the Slap Bet Commissioner.
Marshall: Looks like someone suffered from premature slapulation.

Ted: Oh, my God. Robin's rapping. Guys, Robin's rapping.
Robin Sparkles: [on video] Went to the mall with a couple of friends. Had a whole week's allowance to spend.

Lily: Okay, I'm going to give you a choice. Either ten slaps right now in a row or five slaps that can be doled at any point from here to eternity.
Marshall & Ted: Cool.
Ted: Go with the 10 now.
Robin: No, wait. Why get 10 when you can get 5?
Ted: Yeah, but the constant fear of knowing that at any moment you can get slapped in the face would drive you crazy.
Barney: I'm gonna go with the five for eternity.
Robin: Good call.
Ted: Horrible call.
[Marshall reaches for his soda. Barney flinches]
Marshall: Relax, dude, I'm just going for my soda, man. Take it easy. This is gonna be fun.

Robin Sparkles: [singing on video] Let's go to the mall today! Everybody loves the mall
Lily: So, just to be clear, you wanted everybody to go to the mall today?
Barney: Wow, we're gonna watch this a lot.
Robin: I even wore a bedazzled jean jacket.
Ted: Hey, just so you know, 16-year-old me would have been all over you. You could have been the girlfriend in Canada I told everyone I had.

Ted: Hey, I'm really sorry I pried this out of you. I probably should have left it alone.
Robin: You know what, you know me better now. That feels kinda nice.
[Ted and Robin kiss]
Lily, Marshall & Barney: Aw.
[Marshall slaps Barney]
Marshall: That's one.

Barney: To the Willowbrook Mall!
Ted & Marshall: To the Willowbrook Mall!
Robin: Oh, it's at a mall? I'm not going.
Ted: What? Why not?
Robin: I just don't feel like going to a mall.
Lily: We can split a cinnabun.
Robin: No, I'm really not gonna go.
Ted: Come on, it'll be fun.
Robin: [loudly] No, I don't go to malls! Sorry, I just don't like malls.
Barney: Why not?
Robin: I'd rather not say.