Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, one of things you'll learn about relationships is that you're never done getting to know someone. Everyone has secrets. Some are nice.
Ted: You know how to make crepes? That is so cool. [Ted and Robin kiss]
[later, in Ted's bedroom:]
Future Ted: [v.o.] Some aren't as nice.
Robin: And then there was Derek and counting you, that puts the total up to...
Ted: Oh, I got your total. Counting along.
[later, in MacLaren's:]
Future Ted: [v.o.] And some are just weird.
Ted: You're scared of the Seven Dwarfs?
Robin: Just Doc. He's creepy. I mean, the guy went to medical school. What's he doing living with six coal miners?

Barney: Oh, man, I'm so excited. I couldn't sleep last night. I bet you guys couldn't either.
Robin: Why?
Barney: Uh, only the gala event for the grand opening of Sharper Image's 500th store. Didn't you get my email?
Robin: No, I blocked your address after the fourth time you sent me the video of the monkey sniffing his own butt.
Barney: Come on, it's on me! I'm buying three of you foot massagers and one of you a nose hair trimmer. You know who you are.

Ted: Guys, guys, guys, Robin doesn't like malls. If she doesn't want to tell us why, she doesn't have to. I think we should all just respect her privacy.
Robin: Thanks, Ted.
[later, in Ted's bedroom:]
Ted: So, what's the deal with you and malls?
Robin: You said if I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't have to.
Ted: Yeah, with those people. I'm your boyfriend. Come on, what is it? Did you get arrested in a mall?
Robin: No.
Ted: Dumped in a mall?
Robin: Ted.
Ted: Found out you were Canadian at a mall?
Robin: Let it go.
Ted: Trapped under a fake boulder at the mall?
Robin: Let it go.
Ted: Mauled at the mall?
Robin: Let it go. And who gets trapped under a fake boulder at the mall?
Ted: Not me in Ohio when I was nine, that's for sure.

Ted: I don't get it, why won't Robin tell me why she hates malls?
Barney: Ted, you should be happy Robin has a secret. The more you learn about a person, the better chance you have of hitting the fatal 'oh' moment.
Marshall: The 'oh' moment?
Barney: Yeah, that moment when you find out that one detail about a person that is going to be a deal breaker.
[flashback to Barney talking to a woman at MacLaren's:]
Woman #1: It's a promise ring. I made a pact with God to stay a virgin till I'm married.
Barney: Oh. [leaves]
[flashback to Barney talking to another woman:]
Woman #2: I don't have an eating disorder. It's just when I put food in my mouth, I chew it and then I spit it out.
Barney: Oh. [exits]
[flashback to Barney talking to another woman:]
Woman #3: I just turned 30.
Barney: Oh. [exits]
[back:]
Barney: So, trust me, you want to postpone knowing anything about each other for as long as possible.

Ted: Meanwhile, Robin tells me nothing.
Barney: Fine, do you want to know what Robin's secret is?
Ted: You know?
Barney: Of course I know. She couldn't look at us. Her face got flushed. That's shame. Our friend, Robin, used to do porn... wait for it... ography.
Ted: Yeah, we didn't really have to wait for that. And it's ridiculous.

Ted: She's not married. Robin hates marriage.
Marshall: Because she already got married, at the mall.
Lily: No, because before Robin moved to New York, she...What was she doing?
Ted: Well, I don't know, whenever I ask her about Canada, she kinda clams up.
Marshall: She's a pretty private person.
Lily: Except when she's talking about...
[flashback to Lily and Robin talking at the bar:]
Robin: A friend of mine in Canada got married way too young and it really turned her off to marriage.
[flashback to Lily and Robin talking in the apartment while Marshall studies:]
Lily: What do you think of this wedding cake?
Robin: Oh, I like it. Hey, you remember that friend of mine in Canada who got married too young? Her wedding cake was a Mrs. Field's giant cookie.
[Marshall looks up and smiles at Lily]
Lily: No.
[flashback to the gang in a booth at MacLaren's:]
Robin: My friend in Canada who got married way too young, they had to do their vows twice, once in French.
Barney: They speak French there too? God! That place is a mess.

Marshall: Robin is not in porn. I'll bet you anything that she's married.
Barney: $20,000 says it's porn.
Marshall: I don't have $20,000.
Barney: Well then, what do you have?
Marshall: Well...
Lily: No.
Barney: I got it. The ultimate wager. Slap bet.
Marshall: Oh, slap bet. We used to do those when I was a kid.

[After Marshall slaps Barney]
Barney: Your hand is monstrous.
Marshall: Well, what did you expect? You've seen my penis.

Ted: You were never married.
Robin: Yes, I was.
Ted: No, you weren't.
Robin: How do you know?
Ted: I looked it up at the library.
Robin: What library?
Ted: The one on 5th.
Robin: When did you go?
Ted: Today at lunch. And I had a an apple brie panini with potato salad....
Robin: I'm not questioning the lunch part, Ted. What database did you use?
Ted: I used the Canadian Mall Marriage 6000. [off Robin's look] Fine, Marshall looked it up in school.

Robin: See, this is why I don't tell people secrets. You were supposed to be the one person I trusted the most and even you couldn't keep a secret.
Ted: But it was a fake secret.
Robin: Yeah, I was testing you and you failed, and now you're never gonna know why I never go to the mall. And it's good too.
Ted: Testing me, that's insane.
Robin: Oh yeah, how long did it take for you to tell Marshall my biggest secret in the world?
Ted: That wasn't a real secret.
Robin: Yeah, but it could have been.
Ted: You are driving me crazy. No wonder your fake husband moved to Hong Kong.
Robin: He moved there for business.